The Bamboo

I have just recently gave my blog a face lift. I chose the picture of the bamboo for my background not only because the picture produces a tranquil feel, but also ironically the growing process of the bamboo has become very symbolic in my life right now. Why? The whole process of how the bamboo grows represents, quite fittingly, the season that my family is in right at this moment.

There are many metaphorical stories in the Bible that refer to some kind of farming. It talks about reaping and sowing. Cultivating. Planting. Working hard for the harvest. It talks about different seasons, and giving the soil/land a rest.

My generation has no idea how hard it was to raise a family, and/or work a farm only 50 years ago. My grandmother would wash cloth diapers for TWINS as she never had a washer or dryer. The years of hard, hard work my grandparents did by the sweat of their brow didn't pay off until many years later.

We live in a culture of wanting things either now or immediate, and we want it done fast and promptly. The technology that is available to us today, make that very possible. While there are many advantages to this method, there are of course disadvantages as well. I know that I am guilty of not knowing, understanding or even appreciating the real, hard, dirty work that my grandparents' generation had to endure. I believe that that generation understood, and appreciated patience, and time. Something that I feel has been lost somewhat today. All this brings me to my point:

THE BAMBOO. It takes the bamboo five years to even sprout from the ground, from the time one has planted the seed. Then in one year it will grow up to 90 feet! I can't imagine the very first person who may have planted the bamboo seed. Imagine with me for a second. They plant the seed, water it, nurture it, and day after day, year after year they see absolutely NO results. I'm sure they had a time of giving up, only to find some green life sprouting above the earth.

I have to say I can relate to how that first bamboo farmer must have felt. I believe that our thoughts are seeds, that turn into words which turn to our actions, which in evidently lead us to our destiny. Andy Stanley said wisely, "Decisions, not intentions determine our destiny."

During that time of waiting, what the bamboo farmer couldn't see was the most important part of the growing process for the bamboo tree. In order for it to be one of the strongest trees in the world it has to grow strong roots that grow deep, deep into the earth. For four years the planted seed starts to germinate growing roots that dig deep into the ground. Then those roots start to branch out empowering more roots to grow, and so forth. And until a strong foundation of strong roots have been etched into the deep ground, then and only then is the bamboo tree ready to sprout up. When that tree starts making it's way out of the earth....there is no stopping it.

I believe that God Himself has deposited seeds in each one of us. Each seed is valuable, unique, valued, precious, and custom made just to the individual. Like a natural seed that is planted in the ground, if it is uprooted prematurely it is unable to blossom to it's full maturation, resulting in either death or only part of it's growth potential. The same is with the "God deposited seeds". If I don't allow the seeds that God has deposited within me to develop properly, and what I mean by properly I mean allow time, patience, stretching, and cultivation all to transpire, these precious seeds will not be able to produce what God intended them to do. This looks like: developing character, maturing, repenting, refinement, forgiving and letting it go.

Lastly, the whole purpose of seeds being planted is for them to flourish, and bloom. If we don't actually PLANT these seeds that God so lovingly deposited within us, how can they flourish?  It is our job to make that happen. Mistakes will be made, pain will be felt, but I personally think the biggest mistake, and the greatest pain would be if one gave up too quickly, resulting in an incomplete bloom. If you are not seeing any results in your life right now, don't panic, as you never know what God is doing under the surface.

Devotion- Shedding Dead Weight

Shedding Dead Weight

This morning has been the beginning to the perfect Saturday. The kids are playing nicely and getting along in the background. Derek is home. I'm having a coffee at my computer after a workout. To me that is a perfect Saturday.

I always love to share what is burning on my heart. You can follow the story in the Bible 1Samuel 16 &17

In this season that I am constantly needing to tame my restless heart. I am reminded of the story of David in the Bible.

He has been anointed by Samuel. The very unlikely brother. Samuel came to visit and anoint one of Jesse's sons. When the first son- tall, handsome, svelte looking boy stood before Samuel, Samuel said "Surely the Lords anointed the one who stands here before the Lord" (1Sam 16:6). Nope. Seven very qualified boys were brought before Samuel, and God said no to them all. When Samuel said "Are these all the sons you have?" (1 Sam. 16:11)Jesse (the father) said "No, there is still the youngest, but he's out attending the sheep." OK let's just stop here for a minute. This spoke to me because even though David wasn't present, he still didn't miss out from his anointing. When God has called you to do something for His kingdom, He'll appoint, anoint you at the appropriate time. This verse really jumped out to me because I can get so afraid that I have "missed the boat". But when we are dealing with God's time, there is no such thing.

At this time Israel and the Philistines were at war. David's three older brothers went to fight for Saul. Jesse, David's father ordered him to go and bring his brothers some lunch. When David observed that Goliath would come out and taunt the Israelites and mock the Living God, this enraged him. He asked his brothers what would be given to the man who defeats this man. His older brother lashes out at him with jealousy and rage. He calls him conceited, and that David has a wicked heart. (1Sam. 17:28). News gets carried to Saul that David wants to fight Goliath. Saul looks at David and tells him but you are just a boy!!! Saul begins to dress David with his own armor. David tries it on, but realizes he cannot even walk around.  David replies, " I cannot go in these, I am not used to them." So he took them off. Then he took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd's bag and with his sling in his hand approached the Philistine. (1Sam 17:38-40).

I don't know about you, but I have tried to put on someone else's "armor". I tired it on, walked around in it, sometimes it took me longer to realize it, but eventually I realized that their armor didn't fit me. I have had people think, and speak words of death to me out of rage and jealousy, words just like David's jealous brother. However I wished I had the confidence like David did, and turn away from his brother, and talk to someone else. But instead I had provided a fertile ground for these words to take seed and grow.

Well I have shed other's armor, and I have taken all the (death words) "weeds" by the root and YANKED them out. I have replaced them with the life-giving words from the Living Word- the Bible. Through The Word, God has showed me to use it has a mirror. The reflection that I see is very different from how I used to see myself. Because I believe, and think differently.

I encourage you be brave, and confident enough to shed the "cloaks" that others may be trying to put on you. If you are feeling confined, restless, and unable to move, ask God to reveal why you are feeling this way.  Believe in the gifts, and talents, that God has imprinted in you, and walk freely, unafraid, and unchained. When we know that if God is for us, who can come against us, we can confidently slay the "BIG" giant in the name of "The living God". (vs 47).. and all this assembly shall know that the Lord saves not with sword and spear: for the battle is the Lord's and He will give you into our hands." When we remember Who is the One that defeats our giants, and when we put on HIS armor, we are undeniably undefeatable.

What is your name?

I am a little uneasy to put "my talk" on my blog. This is my prepared speech that I will be speaking at Stonecroft women's events.

I'm uneasy because this is my raw, transparent story. I believe we all have purpose here on earth. That purpose is bigger than us. So that is what I need to focus on. With putting it all out there, I'm risking some of my greatest fears. But truth be told, God is the author of my story. Even though I'm hesitate, I'm willing to share this story in order to fully show off Jesus. This isn't about me. My hope is that the lights go dim on me, and that Jesus is fully and clearly seen.

1 Corinthians 1:27-29 "God selected what in the world is foolish to put the wise to shame, and what the world calls weak to put the strong to shame. And God selected what in the world is lowborn and insignificant and branded and treated with contempt, even the things that are nothing, that He might depose and bring to nothing the things that are. That no man should boast in the presence of God."

 

 

What’s YOUR name?

Unwanted, abandoned, abused, neglected were the names that I believed about myself before the age of five. You see I was born to a very broken, confused, and abused woman when she was only 19. I was “rescued” from her care after family and friends realized that I was knocking on doors for food, living in candle light because of unpaid bills.

 She would allow different men in and out of our home, many of which beat her up. It was when she abandoned me for a few days at the age of four, that an intervention was needed. Soon after that, I was placed in a foster home, until I had family “rescue” me again before I got lost within the system. And at the age of five I came to live with my Aunt (who is my biological mother’s sister) and Uncle- Pat and Dennis- whom I call mom and dad today.

She would hitchhike eight hours to where I lived, kidnap me from school, then we would hitch rides all the way back. Poor Dennis and Pat (who was pregnant at the time) were in anguish as they desperately tried to find me. Miraculously they did find me safe and unharmed, and took me back to their hometown.

Those were just some of the examples of the living circumstances with my biological mother.

 “Insecure” became a very loud and prominent name that would dominate over the voice of God, for many years to come.

 My parents (aunt and uncle) became Christ followers when I was about 11 years old.  I was raised in a first generation Christian home, which at that time was religious and legalistic.  My perception was that God’s demand on me was to do everything right, and follow the rules perfectly or else! This caused me to hear the name “Rejected.” I believe this was partly because of my early childhood experiences. I had formed a toxic filter within my brain which caused me to hear that I was not good enough for God to love me. 

 At 11 years old I came home after a very troubling visit with my bio mother, I vowed at that time, that I would NEVER allow anyone to hurt me again. I hardened my heart. There was no way that I would allow anyone’s love to penetrate through my well - guarded, crusted heart. I didn’t know what unconditional love was, so I tried to be as perfect as I could.

 I made a pre meditated decision to lose my virginity to my boyfriend at the age of 17. Not because my hormones were raging, or we lost control. It was a deliberate act of giving up and rebellion. After my parents found out they were devastated. And at that time they didn’t know any better but to lay down the law. So at that time I heard the name: “Shame” being whispered to me over and over again.

This caused me to believe that no one of any worth would ever want to marry me.  I believed that I was a defiled woman with a scarlet letter imprinted directly on my forehead.

Between the ages of 20 and 23 my life consisted of one club party after another. That is what I lived for! Was to party!

My goal in life was to have fun, get as drunk or as high as I could, and just let loose.  I developed a fear of being alone, because when I was alone it was as if I heard God’s voice. I heard His CONVICTING not condemning voice. He said “What are you doing” This isn’t you. This isn’t the plan I have for you.” I didn’t want to hear His voice, so I would always ask someone to come to the bathroom with me. I explained that when I’m alone and intoxicated I hear Gods voice.

 My friends would joke and say  “I want the drugs Tammy is smoking!”

After living life very hard for about 2.5 years, I realized my highs were not worth the lows. One night, while at a friend’s place, I literally experienced a “melt-down” in her bathroom. As I lay on the floor sobbing, the thought of killing myself seemed like a good idea.  At that time, my heart was aching for something to fill the void in my life.  That void could only be filled by Jesus.  I needed that God-shaped piece of the puzzle that only He can fill.

I gladly soaked in His gentle voice as He graciously impressed upon me once again. He gave me a picture of all the people in my life that love me, and how hurt they would be if I took my own life. That’s when I felt his loving arms firmly pick me up off the floor. I came out of that bathroom looking like I had gone through WW3. So I made an excuse to my friend that my allergies were being affected by her cats and awkwardly left her home. That’s when I made a decision to run back to Jesus. I took a step out to reach for His hand of forgiveness, and accepted His unconditional love for me. He was there with waiting, loving arms. But the road ahead of me wasn’t easy. It has been one roller coaster of a journey.

I had the opportunity to meet and build a wonderful relationship with my biological father 14 years ago. Getting to know him and his family has been such a blessing in my life and my family’s.

I married my wonderful husband when we were both 25. We will be celebrating our 15 year Anniversary this year. My husband is not married to the same woman today as he did that day. Because I am daily consciously removing my toxic filter in my brain, I have a whole new perception of people, and life. God had His work cut out for Him, as it took many years to take those “scales” off of my eyes. It has taken many years, for me to fully understand and accept that God loves me unconditionally. God has ALWAYS been there. He never leaves us not forsakes us. But it had to be MY choice to want to know and understand the full character of God. The great thing about God, is that I can never get enough of his goodness, faithfulness.

While driving with the kids one day, they had the movie "Kung Fu Panda" on  in the back of the vehicle. The particular scene that really spoke to me was one of the last scenes of the movie:  When Po (The unlikely chosen Dragon Warrior) was fighting Thai-Lung (The big bad guy). Thai-Lung says to Po "You can't defeat me; you are just a big, fat, panda.” What Po said next is what stopped me in my tracks: He said with fire in his eyes, "I'm not just a big fat panda... I'm THE big fat panda". I felt God impress on me “when you are being taunted with insecure fears or losing your confidence with thoughts like “Who do you think you are, you are nothing but a…. (Fill in the blank) God said to me "Know this: that you are THE TAMMY BELZILE.. Child and joint Heir of God.  He knew me before I was formed in my Mothers' womb...  I am a Chosen generation, Royal Priest hood. The same spirit that raised Christ from the Dead dwells in me, and I can DO ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!!!!

This, my friends is who I am. And this is who you are! 

I am NOT my past, I am NOT the words that people have spoken against me, I am NOT my mistakes, nor was I a mistake (When my bio mom found out she was pregnant, her parents, and the doctor were influencing her to get an abortion. They knew that she wasn’t capable of becoming a mother just yet.) I am who God tells me I am. And I can only know that if and when I read The Bible.  It says, "but no weapon that is used against you will succeed. People might bring charges against you. But you will prove that they are wrong. Those are the things I do for my servants. I make everything right for them.”

My full name is Tammy Irene. It means perfect peace. I know this because I looked up the meaning of my name. I was very shocked when I read these words because if you really know me, peace isn’t one of the words that would probably be used to describe me, UNTIL lately. I just turned 40, and I have NEVER felt so young, and confident, because I feel I FINALLY know who I am.. I’m a new creation in Christ. The past is gone. I have been made new. A new thing is happening.

I still consider myself new to Calgary. Our family moved to Calgary three years ago. Prior to moving to Calgary, my husband and I were ministers in a church in Hinton Alberta. Before becoming ministers, we owned a business for 10 years which we sold in 2007. We made a great profit from the sale of the business; we also owned the commercial building in which the business was operating in. While still living in Hinton we decided to put our commercial building up for collateral for a project that we believed in. To make a long story short, the deal went sour. We lost our building, which had 100’s of thousands of dollars of equity in it. When we moved here my husband started another business, but because of the loss of our building, we were forced to shut down our business here in Calgary. Somehow, by a miracle, we managed to cover our bills through that period. If anyone has ever walked through the devastation of a huge financial loss, will understand that it’s comparable to experiencing that of a death. To deal with the stress of everything, I started to resort to bad eating habits again, and stopped exercising. This resulted in gaining back the weight that I worked so very hard to get rid of in the last three years. Prior to this huge crisis, unknowingly, I had placed my worth in being successful, physically fit, and a prominent person of influence in the community. These are not wrong goals to achieve, however I was putting my WORTH and IDENTITY in these things. I was allowing these names to DEFINE who I was.  I’m not sure if you are like me, but I tend to learn things the hard way. Well I have had to take the LONG way around and come full circle to finally understand that NOTHING or NO ONE can define me. I need only to trust in God and BELIEVE what He says about his children. I can know that, through His Word. The more I read, and want to learn about Him, I come to fully grasp and understand who I am. That’s when I can silence the other “names”, and only hear what He says about me. He calls me His daughter. He calls YOU his daughters.

Through this very difficult time in our lives I had begun to understand where and what I put my worth, security, and identity in. I put it in my “title, and position” and how much money I had in my bank account, and what others thought of me. Not a healthy way of thinking. I would not have realized this, if my life had not been turned upside down. Instead of putting my worth and identity wholly in, being a child of God, I was deceived, and blinded by my own successes. There is nothing wrong with success, or prosperity, but when we start to get off the right path, and set our eyes on the wrong things, God will do the loving thing, and help you to get off that path.

Not only have we had to start all over again, but God has torn down the old foundation, and He is rebuilding a brand new foundation for our life. Being torn down, broken, and re-moulded is NOT fun. However being pieced back together and rebuilt brick by brick with brand new and STRONGER materials is worth it! With God's correction, restoration and forgiveness, as the mortar to make the bricks stick together makes for an awesome CRACKED POT.

My husband has many great qualities, one of them in particular is how he views the potential in everyone and everything.

I want to tell you a story of a pumpkin seedling. Our youngest son Hudson came home one day from Kindergarten with a pumpkin seedling in a Styrofoam cup. My husband loves a challenge. Hudson’s pumpkin seed, inspired Derek to take on the challenge to actually grow a pumpkin out of it, despite the very fact that it's winter, in Calgary.  In Derek’s determination we are going to get pumpkins out of that seedling no matter what!!!

So the seedling actually grew into two vines, so it had to be transplanted into a bigger pot. Derek faithfully watered it every day, and actually blew on it to give it Co2... not even joking. Well it started to grow two stems; it got to be so high that he put a steel pole in the pot to support the stems. Shortly after that, somehow some leaves and a stem died, or broke somehow. One day I looked at this poor thing and I noticed that most of the leaves were gone, and one stem had died. I looked tenderly at my husband and said "I'm sorry but I think it's time to call it.. The time of death". The next thing that Derek showed me is what inspired me to tell you this story: With excitement like a little child he exclaimed "Nope LOOK there are two leaves still there.. barely, but they are budding!” I couldn't believe it, he was right, I had to squint, and take the magnifying class, but incredulously the budding leaves were there. Well my head started to fill with this analogy. This is exactly how God looks at us. We may see a withered, tired, and even dead dream or desire, but God sees what we cannot see most times...LIFE, POTENTIAL, NEW BEGINNINGS. Our family is walking in a season of rebuilding. In the Bible it says "And I'm convinced and sure of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you, will continue until the day of Jesus Christ, developing that good work and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you.

My question to you is: What seed has God planted in your heart? What have you done to water, feed or nurture that seed?  Has the dream died and need to be resurrected again? I serve a God that raises the dead!  The same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead lives in you! I love to watch people walk into their freedom. Sometimes we are the ones that are blocking our own dreams from happening. We start to allow the fear, and doubt, and the shame to cloud our VISION. I need to constantly challenge myself to see the VISION that God instilled in me, and continue to walk FORWARD to make that happen. I encourage you not see the withering plant, the broken down building, or the barren field, but instead look closer and see the little buds that are still ALIVE!!

Do you want a new name? Are you believing the lies that have been spoken to you, over you? Jesus can stop these words from haunting you. You don’t have to live that way. God wants to give you NEW names.  Whole, Renewed, Restored, Healed. He wants to give us His Beauty for our ashes. The Bible gives a beautiful allegory of His sacrifice for us. It paints a picture of us giving Him our filthy rags, and in return He clothes us with beautiful robes. This represents what He did on the cross for us. He died on the Cross for our sins. He laid down his life, so that we can have eternal life. Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice. He paid the price for our sins. He wants us to see ourselves how He sees us: Beautiful, Radiant.  He wants us to live how He created us. The most beautiful thing He gave humanity, is a free will, a choice. When we ask Him to come into our lives and choose Him the Bible promises us Eternal life. We are only here for a short time on earth. It’s where we live eternally that matters.

I challenge, and encourage you my friend to fully, and truly know who you are... because when you do, you will become an undefeated, unstoppable, unshakable effective person. When we walk into and start to believe God's truth about us, nothing can stop us. If God is for you, who can be against you? With walking in God's confidence we can speak life into our own lives as well as others. When we start to live the life that God fully intended for us, and created us to do, in evidently this starts to change YOUR world, which creates a ripple effect to start changing the culture of this hopeless world. Tell someone what He has done to change your life, and not only speak it to someone... LIVE IT!!!

Let the rain fall

As I'm writing this, I look outside at the much needed, beautiful rain fall onto the very parched earth. I can literally see nature gratefully drink it in . My view of the grey sky actually looks beautiful, and calming, not it's usual dreariness or bleakness.

I think the rain has inspired me to write this blog, because I have felt very much like the dry, parched earth.  It's almost like I see the earth, and trees open up, as they gladly receive each and every refreshing water drop that Heaven is pouring down.

I can't remember the last time I have enjoyed a summer like I have these past two months. For me, I spent this summer relaxing, reflecting, working hard, preparing... and healing. I was able to refocus on the vision, and dreams that I believe God has lovingly dropped into my heart and DNA. I started to dare to believe in myself again. I feel the burning fire start to ignite again inside my veins.

I'm amused as I watch the rain fall, because I can't believe how fitting it is to watch the Heaven's open up and nurture the soil with much needed water. I sit here intrigued  because this is the perception of my life right now. I, like the parched, thirsty earth, am drinking in the blessings that God is so lovingly allowing to fall like rain drops into my life.

There are seasons in life. It's actually quite simple. It has always been God's design- Seasons. Just like the earth that He created need seasons, so do his children. I spent the last few years in a season of "sanctuary", "pregnant", and "holding". These are words that I feel metaphorically and fittingly describe the season that I have been walking through in the last few years.

However these last two months, I am experiencing doors being opened, that only God Himself can open. Doors of opportunity, and extreme blessings. I am a witness to the Bible verse. "He will give you far more than you have ever expected".

I'm writing this blog to inspire, and give hope to someone that may be reading this now. DON'T GIVE UP. I challenge you to view the "rain" in your life, not as depressing, dark, or hopeless. But to open your eyes and see the "rainy season" as nourishment, and an opportunity to grow and get healthy. Rain is meant to be life giving. People's view on life comes from the angle in which they look. My "raining" opportunities didn't come pouring down because I sat in a crossed-legged position, and simply "wished" them down from Heaven. I spent this past summer working hard at studying, taking exams, getting in shape, polishing my writing and speaking skills. Dreaming, destination, and purpose are attainable not by being stationary, stagnant, or looking backwards. The ambitions people have in life are all in the power of their own hands, despite what life may hurl at them. I believe in an all sovereign God that SPOKE the Heavens and earth into existence. The greatest gift He gave to man kind is freedom of choice. We can CHOOSE to remain in the ditch, or get out.

Falling down, getting up, crashing, broken, humility, refined, strengthen, rebuilding, paradigm shifting, re-learning, brain re-wiring, restoration, growing, maturing, expanding. These words I use as a brush to paint a picture of my journey in this last time period of my life. This last season has created the fuel; the power supply for me to morph into the woman that God had already deposited into my DNA, and my blood, right in my mothers womb.

Embrace your season, whatever it may be for you, with a readiness, open mind, and teachable heart. Absorb the rain drops with thanksgiving, and gratefulness. Allow the "rain" to nourish your soul, and soak in all what this season has for you.

Perfect Peace vs Perfect Storm

What's in a name? I personally believe that there is a lot in the meaning of a name. When we picked out the names of our children we put into great consideration the meaning of each name. We prayed,  and spoke this meaning into their lives.

My name is Tammy Irene. My middle name was my maternal grandmothers. The meaning of my name is "Perfect Peace". If you personally know me, I mean really know me, right now you'd be laughing your face off. Many words can describe my personality, but PERFECT PEACE wouldn't be mentioned in that description, PERFECT STORM maybe, but definitely not perfect peace.

I have mentioned in my previous blogs about our family's journey in the last three years. It has been a journey of great struggle, pain, loss, trauma, and devastation. The result of this season has brought us to our knees in surrender, and humility which has led us to become refined.

I can testify first hand how difficult it is to have peace while being in a storm of uncertainty, continually being hit with debris of disappointment, and set backs. What I have learned is when you have the perspective view of thankfulness, and being grateful for all the blessings that God has given, the raging storm doesn't seem so hopeless,scary, or intimidating.

Lately I am feeling God is constantly reminding me the full meaning of my name. He is challenging me to WALK in it. I don't think it was an accident or coincidence that I was named PERFECT PEACE.  Not only did I escape becoming aborted, but I was named perfect peace. It has taken me almost 40 years here on earth to fully absorb, and comprehend what it means to live in perfect peace.

I need to constantly, and daily choose to WALK in perfect peace, versus BEING a perfect storm. The more I do this, actually the easier it is to do it. In order for me to attain this balance of peace, I've had to walk through the storm, and fire, and honestly for survival sake I learned how to come into peace. I learned more of the Word, so I learned more of who God is, which helped me know who I was. The more I know who I am, the healthier view I have of myself, which ultimately enables me to give and pour out more to others.

The destiny and call in our lives is bigger than ourselves. More than not, WE are the ones that prevent our destiny, dreams, or calling on becoming a reality. Insecurities, negativity,unforgivness,bitterness,fear,small thinking only have power when you succumb to them. Friend, please know that God will never waste your pain. (Name of my book) I encourage you to start viewing your situation through the glasses of thankfulness, and gratefulness, and watch the smoke settle from the fire and storm, and what you will see is your future full of vibrant color of promises and hope.

The Power in Changing Destructive Thought Patterns

When something is very fresh and stirring in my heart, I want to write it out into words as fast as my fingers will let me. This blog is inspired by the session from the mom's group I went to the other day. The speaker was teaching out of Dr. Caroline Leaf's book "Who switched off my brain". She did an amazing job teaching from this book. This subject hits very close to home for me, as it is a constant challenge to keep my mind in alignment with the Word of God. After being on this earth for almost 40 years, I think I have finally started to understand the effects of my thought life and how it impacts the well being on my life and others. How my thought patterns have had a direct effect on the health of my mind, body, and soul.

This season that I believe my family is finally walking out of has been hard, stretching, refining, confusing, strengthening, teaching, and good. How do you keep walking when you see no light on an uncertain path that is filled with unknown corners, and turns.

My best answer is in reference to blind people. How do they do it? Not only do their other senses become more alive and dominant, but they have to trust them. That is exactly how I have felt. I have had to fully and wholly rely on, and TRUST God's voice to guide and direct me down this unknown, scary road filled with all kinds of bumps,potholes, and thorns. I have learned quickly that doing what I think is best has only landed me on my face, which eventually has led me to my knees in humility before God.

Currently I feel as though I'm going through another test again. I find myself walking down a path of the unknown again. However this time it directly involves my children and their health. As a mother all I want to do is protect my children from any kind of harm. As a mother I want to control that nothing harmful will hurt them. I am learning that control is a delusion, and only God is Sovereign and in ultimate control. This realization again has brought me to my knees in surrender. I am constantly challenged to completely TRUST my Heavenly Father, who in fact, loves my kids more that I can even fathom.

I am challenged on a daily basis to keep my mind right. "To think whatever is true, noble, pure, right, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy..to think these things" Philippians 4:8

Because of different events that happened to me in my life, I trained myself to think in a defensive, and in self protect mode. I would never look forward to anything as to protect myself from disappointment. I would prepare myself for the worst news,that way I wouldn't feel ambushed. I figured this way of thinking gave me more of a sense of control and a feeling of being prepared. It took a real rude awakening for me to come to the conclusion that this type of thinking was nothing but destructive and extremely unhealthy. I had to do a complete 180 to change my pattern of thinking so I could get my mind, body, and soul to be healthy.

 I have had to rewire my brain's way of thinking. I would say that this has been even harder than getting my body into shape.

Why am I sharing and writing this? I have a feeling that I do not walk alone in this area. Again my purpose for this blog is to encourage others who may walk the same journey as I have. I want to say that if I can change my whole pattern way of thinking, so can you. However it comes down to it becoming a habit, and a discipline. I have caught myself in a negative thought, and later realize that I will never ever get that time back again. I could have used that time much more wisely.

Two years ago, while our family was right in the midst of our storm, I was driving alone in my vehicle, lost in thought, and I allowed my mind to start stewing about something from the past. I got myself so worked up, that I actually found myself sweating! I then heard God whisper to me "So when you are done thinking about the past, I'm here waiting to start talking to you about your FUTURE". Honestly that stopped me in my tracks, and has caused me to always be aware of my thought life.

Keeping my mind thinking in the right direction has always been a battlefield for me (Joyce Meyer's book Battlefield of the Mind, was a life changing book for me also). But I have all the tools that I need to win this battle! I have the Word of God. When I'm not sure if my thoughts are right, I go to the Word, and line up the thoughts to what it says. Are my thoughts what God says about me? If not what does God say about me, about my husband, about my friends, enemies, church, co workers? The Bible is still relevant today.

I want to leave you with what I declare and proclaim over my mind every day. I am dead to sin but alive to God (Rom 6:11); I will study the Word of God; I will pray  (II Timothy 2:15;Luke 18:1); I will take every thought captive unto the obedience of Jesus Christ, casting down every imagination, and every high and lofty thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God (II Corinthians 10:5); No weapon that is formed against me shall prosper, but every tongue that rises against me in judgement, I shall show to be in the wrong ( Isaiah 54:17); I do not think more highly of myself than I ought to in the flesh (Romans 12:3); I am purposed that my mouth shall not transgress. I will speak forth the righteousness and praise of God all the day long (Psalm 17:3) God has NOT given me a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and a sound mind (II Timothy 1:7).

I found this confession in my study bible by Joyce Meyer. This has helped me greatly. I encourage you to write your own declaration and confession through scripture over your life. Not just write it but SPEAK IT. Words can create life or death. I for one have experience enough death from my own mouth, that I only want LIFE to spring forth from these lips. I'm careful for the words that I speak as they are the seeds that are planted for my life, family, church, career. Every time you plant seeds, eventually they grow into what has been planted. I have found this to be a major change in my life for the better!

When injustice has been served to you HOT!

Well the words that I am typing are coming out fresh in my heart. Recently we have been served some injustice by the government, which we entrusted to protect us financially. Needless to say we have not been protected, and they have allowed the wrong doer to get away with the injustice.

I have many choices laid out in front of me, and unfortunately enacted on some of these bad choices. So when I finally can cool down and get my focus back on God and what His word says I am able to find peace. Like He is our provider. He is our defender. He will REPAY ALL that the locusts have eaten. He will bring good out of this. He does not give us a spirit of fear. NO weapon formed against us shall prosper!! I will take joy in this hard time as it will build my character (hard one to swallow must admit!)

Then my mind started to ponder on the book that I'm reading by Caroline Barnett "Willing to walk on water" She and her husband Mathew Barnett run the dream center down in Los Angeles CA. She has many stories of how so many children go from foster home to foster home. She gives some disturbing facts and statistics of how the government has failed them, and has served them injustice many times over. Her amazing book is a book of hope of how WE, yes you and me can do something to help these people. The Dream Center has designed programs, they provide essential needs to these families so that they can stay together and not have to lose their children. Did you know that most foster children come from loving supporting homes? But the state removes them from their homes because the parents can't provide their children with the bare essentials. So the dream center has stepped in with donating clothing, food, diapers etc. As a result, they have been able to partner with the government to help keep families together. And fiscally they have saved the tax payers half a million dollars a year.

So when I read this book, my injustice starts to look a lot smaller. I'm sure we all have been served some injustice. Had negative words spoken over us. Been treated unfairly. etc. While reading this book, the desire to do something to help grows bigger and bigger. I didn't realize how close to home this hit. You see I'm a foster kid. Luckily I never had to stay in a foster home too long before I was rescued. I had people that loved me and got me out of there so I wouldn't end up in the system. That's all it takes. One person to perform one act of love to change someone else's world.

Now it's my responsibility to rescue others. I was rescued for a purpose. I currently submitted my application to the Little Warriors organization. I will be doing the Victor walk May 23. This walk is to bring awareness that we need to have a harsher punishment on sex offenders. I will be sharing part of my story in the production INVISIBLE which is June 14 and 15. This production's purpose is to bring awareness to women's vulnerabilites. The producer of this show is Connie Jakob who has such a heart for those who have been served injustice.

What injustice makes you angry enough to do something about it? We can't turn a blind eye anymore just  because it hurts to look at the reality of human suffering. Just because we may not see it in "our world" doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It could be just next door.

I don't want to be pissed off anymore due to the unfairness of life. So I'm transfering that energy into being proactive into helping others. Each and everyone of us have been designed for a purpose and a plan. No matter  what walk of life you have had to walk, "treating your neighbor as you would like to be treated" applies to everyone. I think life would be much simpler if we all applied more kindness into other people's lives. Pay it forward BEFORE it even gets to you.

How God is using ordinary, simple me

My desire and cry is to do extraodinary things and be a world changer. Well that sounds exciting, thrilling, and fulfilling. I would like to paint you a picture of what that looks like in my life.

I'm not going across seas to help orphans, or save babies (although someday I would love to meet our sponsor children in India and Rwanda) I'm not part of an organization that fights for social justice (which I humbly stand up and applaud all that do).

I am a stay at home mom. I have four boys that I am responsible for. My husband I will have to one day release them into the world to make a difference. To make this world a better place somehow. This quote by Andy Stanley "Your greatest contribution to the kingdom of God may not be something you do but someone you raise" really stopped me in my tracks. I have interpreted this as both biological and spiritual. Derek and I have four biological children, and we also have spiritual children,which we both feel responsible to mentor and speak life with the word of God into their lives.

I was at a girl friends house the other night having a glass of wine with her and LISTENING to her. I was able to RELATE, and offer some insight and just speak life into her situation. We both left that night feeling encouraged, and empowered.

What is my point here? I believe we start doing extraordinary things through the relationships that we have., and by making NEW relationships. Jesus's great commission in Mathew 28:16-20 ¹⁶ Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. ¹⁷ When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. ¹⁸ Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. ¹⁹ Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, ²⁰ and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

So how do we do that? I'm so glad that you asked. We as Christians need the body of Christ, we need the Church. But before we introduce people to the "building church" we need to introduce ourselves and BE the church. I know what it's like to be so consumed with church meetings, and commitments that it inhibits me to be able to get "out there". Commitments and serving the House is very important. But please let's not lose focus on what is the soul purpose of serving the house. It's about people. It's introducing people to Jesus. I want to make Jesus attractive to others. I don't believe that looks like giving the perception of  a "perfect and flawless" life. I don't believe that portraying that we as Christians have no problems or that we don't need to work through issues of our own is attractive. In fact I think that can create an opposite reaction. Instead of giving out brochures, or tracks, let's BE the brochures and tracks. Meaning be what we preach. Being real. I have days that I have to put myself on a time out for the safety of my other family members! I wear shape wear sometimes underneath my clothes. Shape wear just makes this world a better place! I have issues that I try to work through every day! I need to keep my mind right by refusing to think negative thoughts. I need to stop worrying and caring about what others think of me.

God will use the foolishness of the world to confound the wise. So if you are  a woman you will understand that talking about shape wear, messy houses, shopping, and weird bodily fluids that come out of our children can be meaningful. Do you think that having your theology perfectly right is going to win the lost? Don't get me wrong, theology is important as well as knowing the Word. However I believe that by just entering into someone else's world, and just loving them is far more effective then speaking a foreign language called "Christianese" and speaking a ramble of theology. 

How I thought God was going to use me to do extraordinary things wasn't at all what I expected. For me it's as simple as doing life with people that have come into my life, or my life into theirs. Knowing that I have impacted someones life in a positive way, by simply just being me.. well folks that to me is living an extraordinary life!

Not measuring up

I don't want to or mean to be controversial, but whenever one challenges the thinking of what we have been taught for years and years, apparently it is then controversial.

I want to talk about the lovely Proverbs 31 woman. When I was a teenager, and a young woman I would read this verse, and feel yet again the strain and pressure of being the perfect Christian, and woman. I already had been told that I had a rebellious spirit and what kind of man would want to marry me with such an unsubmissive heart. So reading this verse I yet again concluded that I simply don't measure up, and yes what kind of man would want to marry me. So at age 21 I vowed that I would NEVER marry, or have children, let alone become a Pastors wife.

From the ages of 21-23 I did just that, rebelled in every way I possibly could. I gave up. It was just too hard to be perfect. Unfortunately I had to hit rock bottom to finally see the light, or perhaps it was a shadow. I wanted to kill myself. I thought that this was the answer and way out. I was crumpled on the bathroom floor of my friends apartment, sobbing, and planning how I was going to kill myself. That's when God showed up. I literally felt Him pick me up off the floor, brush me off, and gently but firmly remind me all the people that love me and how hurtful this act would be to them. I pulled myself together, made an excuse to my friend that her cats were causing my eyes to become red and swollen and left abruptly. That's when I went on a deep journey to discover who God really is. I literally had to erase all that I had been taught, and to learn the Word of God for myself.

I rededicated myself to God. But one thing just did not sit well in my stomach. I didn't want to become a "church person". It took me many many years after and a whole paradigm shift of thinking to finally get set free from "church". Please hear me. I love Gods church as it is His Bride. But if I may be so bold to say, we His church have made many mistakes to represent Jesus. I had to be set free from all the religiosity and legalities of the "church" in order to move forward. We are human. Pastors, elders, deacons, leaders are all human and make mistakes. I can't find one person that I know that has not been hurt by the church in one way or another. So does that mean that we just give up on God's church? Absolutely not! Change, yes, but the church is not obsolete. I believe that honor is key. I honor my leaders,Pastors, as their job is not easy, and the last thing we as Christians need to do is tear down His Bride.

When I started to date my now husband, it was the happiest time of my life. So happy that I actually started to put him on a pedestal and make him my god. Derek showed me love, grace, and mercy that I hadn't known. So when we got married, and he had to work late nights, and long hours, all of a sudden this "god" of mine was disappointing me. I became very depressed and had such a distorted view of what happiness really was. It took some years to get the focus off of ME. It wasn't fair of me to put my husband on a pedestal, as the only way is down. After our second child was born, I really started a spiritual growth journey. I started to discover who God was, and that I was putting my identity and self worth in all the wrong areas. I needed to put my identity, and worth in HIM, and what He says about me in His Word. After I switched my focus onto Jesus and not ME, my life, my marriage, everything turned around. I looked at life with a whole new view and perspective.

Now back to the Proverbs 31 woman. When I fully discovered, and understood that this verse was based on the wise words of Basheba to her son Solomon in what to find in a wife, it set me free.When reading this infamous and notorious scripture verse, I believe that it is a great example to try and model our life after. However we as women tend to look at other women and measure ourselves accordingly. I know many women who have four kids and are a lot skinnier than me. I know a lot of women who have cleaner houses than me, who are more organized, better cooks, and bakers than me. Who are so creative with sewing,scrap booking, etc. Who are smarter... Well I can just make a huge list and go on and on and on. And to be honest, when I measure myself with these other women I just feel like a complete and total failure! So I had to take the long way around in life (yes a pattern that I'm fixing) and discover who I am. That I need to measure myself to what God says about ME. This is what He says about me (and you) Psalm 139:13-15 "I am fearfully, and wonderfully made" Jeremiah 29:11"I have plans for you, to prosper you, not to harm you, but give you hope for your future". These are two of my favorite verses. When I would complain about my body as a teenager, my mother would always say that over me "You are fearfully and wonderfully made". It took me many years, but I think it is beginning to sink in.

I encourage and challenge you to not measure your life with other peoples lives. Because more than you know they are probably doing the same thing and looking at you, wishing they were more like you. Be set free in knowing who you are in what God says about you. Jesus did not come from a "perfect" heritage. He has a prostitute, murderer, adulterer all in his lineage. God chose the least of the least to carry out His work. If you look in the scriptures, God never chose the most educated,most talented, best looking to represent Him. Because honestly it isn't about us, it's about God and who He is. It's about having a dream bigger than ourselves. Living a generous life. Loving people despite their faults. Loving people different from us. Forgiving and letting go of offenses QUICKLY. God never promised a life without storms, difficulties, or hardship. What He has done, and promised is that HE will never leave us nor forsake us. He is right there in the middle of the furnace with us.

When we try to measure up to anyone, or anything there is only a long road of defeat, feelings of failure, isolation, and loneliness. God is no respecter of persons. He doesn't compare you, or measure you to the next. So why should you?

Resurrecting withered dreams

There are many things that I love about my husband. The one particular thing that I love about him, is that he is a visionary. He's one of these guys that when you show him a broken down building, he doesn't see the state that's in, but the potential, and what it could be.

I'm writing this blog today because of a plant. A pumpkin seedling. Our youngest son Hudson came home one day from Kindergarten with a pumpkin seedling in a Styrofoam cup. My husband along with being a visionary, loves a challenge. Hudson has bringing home this pumpkin seed, inspired Derek to take on the challenge to actually grow a pumpkin out of it, despite the very fact that it's winter, in Calgary, in Canada. No matter, we are going to get pumpkins out of that seedling no matter what!!!

So the seedling actually grew into two vines, and it had to be transplanted into a bigger pot. Derek faithfully watered it every day, and actually blew on it to give it Co2... not even joking. Well it started to grow two stems, and it got to be so high that he put a steel pole in the pot to support the stems. Well shortly after that, somehow the leaves and one stem died, or broke somehow. And just yesterday I looked at this poor thing, and it only has one drooping stem, without a leaf left. I looked tenderly at my husband and said "I'm sorry hon, but I think it's time to call it.. the time of death". The next thing that Derek showed me is what inspired me to write this blog: With excitement like a little child he exclaimed "No way.. look there are two leaves still there.. barely budding, but they are budding!" hahahaha. I couldn't believe it, he was right, I had to squint, and had to take the magnifying class, but low and behold the budding leaves were there.Well my head started to fill with this analogy:

This is exactly how God looks at us. We may see a withered,tired, and even dead dream or desire, but God sees what we cannot see most times...LIFE, POTENTIAL, NEW BEGINNINGS. Our family is walking in a season of rebuilding. Philippians 1:6 says "And I'm convinced and sure of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you , will continue until the day of Jesus Christ, developing that good work and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you". Proverbs 19:11" A man's wisdom gives him patience."

God is always at work in our lives. We may not see it, the timing is almost never according to our own, and sometimes we may feel that He is silent and far far away. So how does one keep going when we only see barrenness, and witherings? Well I can only tell you what I do from my experience. Through this season of barrenness I drew closer to the Word of God. God always uses His way to speak to us individually. I believe that the promises He told the prophets, and Moses, and David, and Paul, and Ruth, and the teachings of Jesus still apply today.

What seed has God planted in your heart? What have you done to water, feed and nurture that seed? Do you speak to that seed the promises and principles of the Bible? Has the dream died and need to be resurrected again? I serve a God that raises the dead! Romans 8:11" And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you."

Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. He was dead for four days! So he was already rotting and smelling. All Jesus had to do was SPEAK to Lazarus to rise. Jesus then told the people to remove his grave cloths. What grave cloths do YOU have to remove in order to have your dream resurrected? Have you had a financial loss? A divorce? Are you struggling with an addiction? I encourage you to remove the grave cloths of doubt, fear,disbelief,anger,bitterness.

I love to watch people walk into their freedom. Sometimes we are the ones that are blocking our own dreams from happening. We start to allow the fear,and doubt, and the shame to cloud our VISION. I have to challenge myself to see the VISION that God instilled in me. I encourage you to not see the withering plant, the broken down building, the barren field, but instead look closer and see the little buds that are still ALIVE!!

Choosing to see the beauty through the ugly

As I start to write on a blank, fresh page, I ponder and reflect on the last 2.5 years of my life. If I could use one word to sum it all up. PRUNING. The very word just sounds awful. What does a season of pruning look like? Well I can't speak for anyone else but myself and I will try to give you the best visual that I possibly can with my words.

There are different degrees to cuts, and wounds. The deeper the cut,the longer the healing process is. It's not rocket science, it's actually quite simple. When we compare a person who gets cut by a knife while cutting celery, to someone who undergoes open heart surgery, who is going to take longer to heal? Obvious answer right? Well, let's put that in life realities. A lot of times we will watch someone go through a healing process of some type. And lot of times we can put judgement on that person to start moving on with their life, and "get over it". Well after a week of recovery from heart surgery do we tell the patient to suck it up and go for a good jog around the block? Of course not, because if that happened, major complications could occur. Well the same analogy applies to life's cuts, and bruises.  We need to allow ourselves to heal, we need to take the steps to heal. Because if we don't, we can re-injure ourselves, and the healing process can take that much longer.

There also comes a point in the healing process when you do NEED to get up, and starting running again. Because if we don't, strength cannot be built. If you have witnessed anyone doing physio after a painful injury, it's torture for them. But when guided, and pushed by the physio therapist, healing, strength and range of motion come back to the injured part of the body. I'm sure you can see where I'm getting at.

Let me try to paint a picture in your mind that of a pruned tree: First word, ugly, desolate, isolated, lonely, bare, plain,gray,lifeless, fruitless. Now that is what we see on the OUTSIDE. What we don't see is what's going on on the inside of the tree. The tree is preparing itself inside to WAIT for the right season to blossom. What's the whole point of pruning a tree or bush? So that in the right season, the branches, and leaves are FULLER, and therefore allowing the tree to produce MORE fruit than it has ever before.

Now let me paint you the picture of a fully blossomed tree AFTER the pruning stages: Luscious in color, bountiful,beautiful, plentiful,full,lots and lots of juicy fruit, or whatever that tree produces. Now it's easy to judge that tree and be attracted to it, and want to draw to it and from it. However if we didn't know that tree from the beginning stages we would never know what that poor tree had to go through in order to be able to produce such raw beauty.

It's easy for us to judge someone else's outside, as it may look messy, bare,ugly,dysfunctional. God's word talks about how one can identify what kind of tree it is, by what kind of fruit it bears. However it's quite hard to identify what kind of tree it is before their season of pruning is over. Unless you are a tree expert, you can't tell an orange tree from an apple tree without it's fruit on it's branches can you? My point? We may not see fruit in someone else's life,but little do we know that they may be in a season of no fruit, but that of preparing for all the fruit to come. And to bear a lot of fruit, one needs to build the strength to produce it.

Through all this "pruning" that I have experienced in my life, I have learned so much, but if I could write about just one thing it is this: Allow people to be themselves. Allow them to heal on THEIR time, not on your expectations. You are there to guide,love, and help them through the "physio" time, but only when they ASK you.

We can't expect people to bear the fruit that they have been asked to bear on our time table. That's why I believe building relationships with people, especially those that are different from us,are so important. Because even though some one's "outside" (I'm not talking about physical outside, but metaphorically life) may look "ugly" and unattractive, little do we know, what kind of beautiful miracle is going on on the inside.

My journey of faith

What does it REALLY mean to have faith and hope? I'm writing this from a very fresh and raw point of view as that is what my family is directly walking in. Last Friday my husband got an unexpected call informing him that he, along with 15 other employees are laid off effective immediately! So just three weeks before Christmas my husband has no job. My faith and hope has been challenged. Here is my thinking: When Derek and I got the news, we weren't devastated, we actually had excitement stir in both our hearts. However when Monday hit, so did reality,as we were trying to stretch our budget, and Derek calling the labor board, EI, and sending out resumes, my faith and hope started to deteriorate. Before Derek got laid off, we had been making plans for our future, and part of that was the idea of me going back to school and getting training for a Dental Assistant. I was finally feeling that we were moving forward, and getting on our feet. I was having feelings of hope and exhileration, which was so refreshing, as I haven't had those feelings since the financial devestation we have been walking through for the last two and a half years. I had a sense of purpose that I hadn't felt for a very long time. And just in a split moment, everything changed. I was truly looking at what was going on around me, and I lost focus as to WHO really is in control. I believe in a BIG God. I believe that He can do far more than even I can expect Him to do. I believe that HE is my provider, and that He knows exactly what He is doing, and what is best for our family. Derek and I believe that this next step will be a step up, an advancement, a promotion.

During this time I am challenged to still have a giving and generous heart, and obey that voice that tells me to give without hesitation.

I don't have all the answers and sometimes I wish that God would just give me my 5 ,10,20 year plan, but then where would there be any room for faith and hope to blossom. During these hard times this is when my character is challenged and revealed.

Please stay tuned as I'm excited and have full anticipation and big expectations for the next season in our lives!

RED RED WINE.....

Have you ever wondered blindly through life and asked yourself "What am I doing"? or "What is going on"? "Where am I going"?..Well for the last few years I have been asking myself these questions.

When we are right in the middle of a dark abyss, with no "sign of light at the end of the tunnel" what does one do? You know I have had to really put aside my feelings when good people with good intentions give you the old cliche's. I have learned through that, that I really have put my trust in people instead of God. Bottom line is, when someone is going through a tough time, I mean a really tough time, God has given us compassion for a reason. I think a big part of compassion is closing the mouth and opening the ears. I tend to be a "fixer". I just want to fix it for them. In reality that is not my job, that's God's job. What I can do is listen, hug,perhaps bring them a starbucks, clean their house,babysit, and only speak if they want me to.

Back in the Bible days, they used what's called wine skins to hold wine. Yes people wine, not grape juice, but wine. Anyways Jesus would always teach people in parables. I'm thankful for that as He always used metaphors,allegories to illustrate tools that we can use to "get through" life. So back to the wine skins. If you poured fresh wine in an old wine skin it would burst, destroying both the fresh wine, and the wine skin.

I borrowed this illustration and explanation of the process of wine making:

The image of wineskins that Jesus uses in his parable is foreign to our culture. The only leather wine container we can imagine is the tear-shaped leather bota that Spaniards use to carry wine and squirt it into their mouth. But that is very unlike the wineskin Jesus refers to.

Wine was made by treading barefoot on the grapes in a wine press, a square or circular pit hewn out of the rock, or dug out and lined with rocks and sealed with plaster. (See Isaiah 63:2-3; Job 24:11b; Lamentations 1:15; Joel 3:13; Matthew 21:33; Revelation 14:19-20; 19:15, where treading the winepress was a symbol of judgment.) The juice then flowed through a channel into a lower vessel, a winevat which functioned as a collecting and fermenting container for the grape juice or must.

In the warm climate of Palestine, grape juice began to ferment very quickly and there was no easy way to prevent fermentation. After the first state of fermentation had taken place in the winevat, the wine was separated from the lees (that is, sediment of dead yeast, tartar crystals, small fragments of grape skins, etc.) and strained through a sieve or piece of cloth (cf. Matthew 23:24). After four to six days it was poured into clay jars lined with pitch (called amphorae in Greece, e.g. Jeremiah 48:11) or animal skins for storage and further fermentation.[3]

Wineskins were made of whole tanned goatskins where the legs and tail were cut off and had been sealed (1 Samuel 1:24; 10:3; 16:20; 25:18; 2 Samuel 16:1). In the Old Testament, the Hebrew word nebel, "skin-bottle, skin," is translated by the KJV as "bottle" which gives us images of glass wine bottles. But these were rather whole goatskins, with nubbins bulging out where the legs once were, the neck tied off where the wine has been poured in, the whole large skin bulging almost to bursting as the carbon dioxide gas generated by the fermentation process stretches it to its limit. This image is well described by Job:

"For I am full of words,
and the spirit within me compels me;
inside I am like bottled-up wine,
like new wineskins ready to burst." (Job 32:18-19)

Fermentation in the wineskin might continue for another two to four months until the process slows down and stops.[4] By that time the skin has been stretched to its limit. The alcohol is probably about 12%, and the collagen protein that gives the leather its stretching ability has been stretched out, and probably denatured by the alcohol, destroying its natural resiliency. The skin's ability to contract and stretch again has been lost. - by Dr. Ralph F. Wilson

Every woman who has had a baby or a couple of them know that their belly just doesn't quite go down like it was before it was stretched to an unimaginable size.

This is what I'm saying: Once you have been stretched, you are never the same. The stretching process is defintely not fun, as it can be quite painful. But stretching changes your shape, and size. Once your mind has been stretched you can never go back to the old way of thinking. This is good. Change is good. Honestly the good old days are over, and better days are ahead.

I feel like a new wineskin ready to burst,but if the wineskin is opened before it's ready, the fermenting process will be incomplete. Perhaps you feel like me, and that you have something wonderful and "intoxicating" to share with the world. But if the process of aging wine is interupted too soon, the taste will be bitter, and sour.

When I'm around people I don't want a bitter taste to be left in their mouth. But I'd rather leave the sweet aroma of Jesus. So through this season of stretching, I'm using it as a time of learning,waiting, and refining. My prayer and hope is that when it comes time to pour out this new wine, it will have the full-bodied characteristics of that of a perfectly aged wine that leaves a sweet aroma.

What the??

We just watched "The Miracle" last night. It's the story about when three whales were trapped in Alaska in 1988. Well the whole world spent millions of dollars trying to save these whales. People literally risked their lives to save them... I can't believe how backwards our world is.Why can't we do that to save human lives? I loved the last line in the movie which was narrated by a local Eskimo boy and he said" We all still laugh how the outsiders made such a fuss".

When we make a "fuss" about how unborn children are being aborted everyday, we are accused of discriminating against women's rights. We have more human slavery in the 21st century then we ever have in history. Someone needs to make a fuss over these HUMAN lives.

I love animals, and of course you should show kindness to animals, and I'm all about animal rights. But why is the world spending more money, and caring more for the animal rights, then human lives? Our society is more concerned about saving extinct species then saving human beings.Especially the ones that don't have a voice. I for one almost lost my life in my mother's womb. Thank GOD for her rebellious nature at the time, and for carrying me full term. I have a voice, and I'm going to use it. The line from Horton Hears a Who "A person's a person no matter how small".

I believe with every fiber and cell that is inside of me that NO ONE was a mistake. Your parents may have not planned you, but God did. We all have been created for a purpose. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to finally find your calling or purpose. You have to overcome many obstacles, and trials,and hardship to find why you were put on this earth. But it's BECAUSE of my own hardships, and obstacles that I have endured that I FOUND my purpose. I have a voice to speak up in this world. I will do what I can to get it heard!

www.thea21campaign.org 
www.homeofhope.ca

These are the organizations that Derek and I support that are making a difference in some body's life. They are speaking up for the voiceless, the poor, the hurting.

When I was in Grade nine, I remember walking down the hall and watching a severely disabled girl that was the same age as me, lifting up her shirt and running down the hall. At this time she was very well developed.My peers were laughing and cheering her on. I just stared in disbelief, paralyzed by my own insecurities, and not knowing what to do,I hesitated. Then finally someone else spoke up and helped her. I am so ashamed that I didn't do something, I just STOOD, and STARED. I am no longer hesitating, or standing on the sidelines. I am a full on activist against injustice, especially for those that nobody wants to hear.

Trail blazing

If people could describe me in one word, I have been told, it would be authentic. I have never been great at fitting a certain mould. I have been told in the past, it's because I'm unteachable, and rebellious.  I look back at some of the decisions in my life,  and yes I made mistakes that I would love to take back.  I knew at the time, that making these descisions were made out of pure rebellion. So when that wasn't really working for me, I picked myself up, and although it took me a few tries at making the same mistake, I FINALLY learned and decided this just sucks, started to make better choices.

If we look back in history, and look at all the world changers, and leaders in this world, each and everyone of them were told things like "You will never do it because... you are not smart enough,rich enough, attractive enough", or whatever. When people make a difference in this world they have had to go against all odds, and sometimes the odds is the red tape that just needs to be just cut.

One of my two favorite quotes are "Well behaved women rarely make history", and "Don't try to blend in, when you were BORN to stand out". Now of course these are all great inspirational quotes, but it will carry a person so far. People who are trailblazers and pioneer world changers,their true glory is revealed in the dark not in the light. The many late nights, and long hours, "failures", and the sweat, blood, and tears that go into their dream. So when all thier hard work finally pays off,and others benefit from that, it's easy to become and get inspired by these amazing people. BUT it has to go further than just getting inspired. I will give you a personal example. I have a goal that by the time I'm 40 which will be next July 6, I will be in the best shape of my life.. and I used to be in pretty good shape. I can read all the inspirational quotes, and instructions on what to do, but if I don't apply it, nothing will happen. Where's the glory in getting up at ungodly hour, putting your body through pain, depriving yourself from chocolate and other wonderful treats? When I see AND feel a difference in my body, that's where the glory is. 

Being married to my husband I have learned that he isn't called to be a copy cat, or to follow the  mainstream path of life. He gravitates to movies that the underdog always wins against all odds.He has such a heart for the underdog. He sees not where they are at the moment, but their potential, and where they could be. Bottom line is my husband was created to be a trailblazer. Now if anyone has been on a path of a trailblazer,they know that it's not an easy one. But when you have attained your goal, and through that journey, helped someone else change their life, or inspired them to make a diference, that, right there my friend, is where the reward and glory is.

When standing out, and doing something different that goes against the grain, you will get a lot of opposition. So this is when a person truly is challenged to fully needs to know who they are, and what they have been called to do. A person will have to have the courage to silence the oppostion voice, and the bravery to continue to step forward and not retract into a fetal position. Which I'm not happy to say I have done many times. BUT doing what we have been called and created to do despite all the obstacles, describes to me "living life abundantly!" God never promised us an easy street life. But He did promise to always be there when we "walk through the valley of the shadow of death", and to be right in there WITH us when we are in the firery furnace.

Boundaries

My purpose of writing a blog and this new post, is to let people know that they aren't alone with what life throws at them. I believe that we get nowhere in life when we walk around with a constant and hard mask of "everything is fine and perfect in my life". Why are we so afraid of allowing someone in and letting them know the 'real' us. The people who have truly helped me grow spiritually and in every other aspect of my life are those who make themselves vulnerably. They have the bravery to take off their mask, and show who they really are. This in return makes me feel safe. Safe to share who I really am without judgement. Which it's too late now for that, as I deal with judgement on a daily basis, just like I'm sure you all do too.So with saying that...what I'm about to write is pretty much as vulnerable and authentic as I can get.

The statement that I heard while being a teenager was this "I want to be different....just like everybody else." Don't we all want to stand out just a little, but what does "different" look like. People get called freaks,weird eccentric,losers,nerdy  when they step out and dare act "different". So I have seen and participated in becoming a "camelion". I blended in so that I would become accepted, I did things that I look back and cringe just so I would not be rejected and called different.

Well I think it's a life long journey to be fully comfortable in your skin. I for one have stuck out. Not because I wanted to but when you are 5'11 since the age of 15, have size 10 feet, and you and another girl are the tallest in the whole high school, you tend to stand out. So I learned to blend in by slouching, and putting myself "down" literally. My mother's words always are loud in my head everytime I want to slouch and they are this "You look worse when you slouch, and people notice that more in a negative way. Embrace who you are, you are beautiful". I appreciate the love of my mother. Well those words have never left me. Small, petite, cute girls would intimidate me, I would feel like an awkward elephant around them, and would act accordingly. I had no confidence at all.

Boundaries: I have had my boundaries violated since a child. I have always struggled with setting up my boundaries in a healthy way. I was 11 years old when I vowed that I would NEVER allow anyone to hurt me again! I had just came home after spending a weekend with my biological mother and the whole experience was awful. I instantly turned my heart cold. I became very hard,guarded and unapproachable. I was and still am very outgoing and friendly, but I would never let you get too close. And because I was terribly insecure I would surround myself with people that would constantly put me down. I now realize that a lot of this came from their own issues. But to accomodate them and make them feel better, I too, would join in and put myself down. So although I was vowing that nobody would hurt me, I was allowing them to violate my boundaries.

When Derek and I started pastoring in Hinton in 2007, I was excited but also very guarded. So guarded in fact that I had a woman come up to me and tell me that I had eyes like that of a vampire. haha how's that for honesty! Perhaps she told me that because at the time Vampires were very trendy. But as I look back I can understand where she was coming from. At that time I was very guraded, and distant as a protection sheild, so as to not get hurt. Being in the ministry you tend to get hit on a constant basis. So that was great bootcamp for me, to to learn how to remain soft hearted, but having a thick skin. Someone very wise told me that (MC)

It has taken me a long time, and I'm still learning how to set up healthy boundaries. I'm recognizing that when people respond to me in a negative manner, 99% it's their issue not mine. But that's a tough one to balance. Especially someone like me who has rejection issues! I have felt rejected most of my life. But that's not because necessarily people have rejected me, but because of rooted issues from the time my mother found out she was pregnant. I wasn't planned, or wanted, and I was always in the way. Now these are lies straight from the pit of Hell. But it took me probably in just the last decade to realize that.

My last blog was about pain. In these last few years my family has went through tremendous pain. And the fruit of that pain is I have had a few different people at different times, whom I hadn't seen for awhile,say the same thing"Tammy you look a lot SOFTER, and more peaceful." I just laugh at that as it has such a twist of irony. Who knew that going through what we went through would make me softer, and not harder!! That my friends is the mercy and grace of God!!

I just read this in my devotions today "forgiveness doesn't mean giving this person access in my life that sets me up for destructive patterns. ~ Lysa TerKeurst

I have had to basically put a restraining order on my bio mother, which has benn a  healthy boundary for my family. I have had to set up boundaries with others, even though forgiveness has flooded my heart. Boundaries are not a bad thing, saying no is not a bad thing. Boundaries are becoming easier for me to set up, which I can now do not angrily. I can do this more simply because I'm more confident, comfortable in my own skin, and I am discovering who I truly am in Christ,

This blog took a different turn that I had expected it to, but perhaps someone needed to hear just this!
I encourage you to listen to what the Word of God says about you, renew your mind, embrace who you are. Step out, take off your mask and be courageous enough to be who God created you to be!!

LIMITLESS Life

Have any of you seen the movie "LIMITLESS" it was released back in 2010 with Bradley Cooper as the main character. Before I get into the movie I do want to point out that my oldest son had this very idea before this movie came out. Mickial came down stairs one day and said I have this great idea for a movie. He began to explain it like this "You know how we only use 10% of our brain? Well what if you could take a pill and it expanded your brain power so that it gave you super hero powers!" Derek and I were astounded by this idea that our 9 1/2 year old at the time came up with. Not one month later, Derek and I were in the movie theatre watching previews and the preview came on for Limitless. This movie is the VERY thing that Mickial was talking about. Derek and I looked at each other dumbfounded. Just to give you a quick run down of the movie's plot: basically the main character came across some kind of drug that he can take, which gave him the ability to do super human things. With this drug he was able to write a novel in 12 hours, run forever, and had the capacity to expand his brain to do super human wonders. However when the drug started to wear off his whole body would crash dangerously, and for others who have taken this drug over a long period of time ironically had fatal results.

So here's my point: When we "wake up" and EXPAND our limited and capped thinking from 10% to 100% how unstoppable can we be?

What I'm discovering about life is that through heart break,hardship,pain,grief,and turbulence brings break throughs. Please note that I said THROUGH not around, or running from. I have to be honest my first instinct to pain or confrontation is wanting to run. I had ran from many things and issues in my life, until I just simply became exhausted and empty. The results of my running FROM things were that of a limited life. And because I ran FROM issues, and people, what I ran TO was becoming very destructive in my life.

It wasn't until I stopped running from all my past hurts, that I experienced freedom. Through God's timing, He gave me the strength to deal with and finally confronted face to face some of the many, many oh so many issues in my life!

This process is very uncomfortable, and can be painful at times. But God's word says that there is a time for everything: Ecclesiates 3:1-9

A Time for Everything

3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.


Right now I'm getting back in shape. So this alone is painful. Especially the work outs. I have to push past what my mind is telling me.(Without injuring myself and not having a heart attack) "What the heck are you doing to my body this is very painful!" once I push past the pain I then realize what my body is actually capable of doing! It's quite amazing actually. I have discovered how strong I actually am, once I get past the pain. Every time I push myself that much more I literally feel "limitless"!

I see people stuck. Stuck in mind sets,stuck in a life style of poor choices, stuck in religiosity, stuck in safe, stuck in fear, stuck in bitterness and unforgiveness, stuck in habits, stuck in insecurities. STUCK STUCK STUCK!!

I was stuck too for a very long time. I didn't start to get unstuck until, I realized that God was using these "sandpaper" people, and situtaitons in my life not to rub me the WRONG way, but to rub me INTO the right way. That running to the "other side" wasn't ever greener.

It's so very hard to see the light at the end of a very hard road when there is no hope. Hope can be a scary thing. It's a risk to dare to hope...We can only live 3 days without water, 40 days without food, but we can only live for one second without hope. Sometimes getting to that light is a journey of pain. But please believe me that the pain doesn't last forever. Just like after a painful workout; going through it may seem like hell, but the results are worth it. As it removes all the "caps, stucks, and limits in our life so that we can go on to live a limitless life!

Diamond in the making

I don't know about any of you, but I have issues. During this time of "Spritual Boot camp" that I'm going through, and perhaps some of you are also going through the same thing, things, ugly things are being literally squeezed out of me. I literally feel as though God is squeezing and putting the pressure and heat one me. Well what came to my mind was diamonds. I looked up how diamonds are formed, this is the definition that I found:

Diamonds were formed in the earth thousands of years ago under extreme heat and pressure. This extreme heat and pressure in the earth transformed the carbon into crystals and turned it colorless. Although diamonds formed deep in the earth, volcanic activity is what brought them to the surface. Hence, these volcanic pipes have diamonds in them. Over time, as some other minerals mix with carbon the diamond may takes on color. Most diamonds have some hint of yellow or brown in them. Others that did not mix with minerals are colorless. Some diamonds undergo dramatic changes to vivid or unique colors. These are very rare and valued more than normal diamonds.

hmmm the more the dramatic changes the diamond endures...the more valuable and rare it becomes. Well while reading this I had a "Holy Spirit aha revelation moment".

First thing that I read this morning in my devotions was "For the Lord corrects and disciplines everyone whom He loves, and He punishes, even scourges, every son whom He accepts and welcomes to His heart and cherishes.—Hebrews 12:6

For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness—in conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God] (Hebrews 12:11).

When a diamond is mined and picked before it's fully formed, the less valuable it is. I tend to want a "microwave breakthrough" all the time. Well God doesn't work according to OUR schedule. I'm really learning to be at peace during this time, and fully rest and to "Be still and know that He is God".

I think God is speaking to me. But I know He's just not speaking to me but to many of you too. Are you going through some Spiritual discipline? Well be encouraged that it's not because God is mad at you, but he is forming you into becoming a beautiful, rare, highly valuable diamond!!

Then there's the chiseling, shaping, and polishing part of the diamond..I'll save that one for another blog ;)