Well it has been six months since my last blog. It seems as though the events that have happened in the last six months are that of a lifetime.
My husband and I moved to Calgary a year ago. And it has been one hell of a year! We came with anticipation of starting a new business,and belonging to a new church. My children were starting new schools with new people, starting new friendships.
Without getting into too much detail, this past spring we lost our life savings, which was in a commercial building. This was devastating as all our work was lost in one moment. Let me correct myself, it was stolen from us. Derek and my world was rocked and shaken to the core. Everything we believed in was challenged and shaken. Why did God allow the "bad guys" to win? I prayed, warred, fasted,rebuked, prayed some more, and still we lost everything. I understand that this can pale in comparison in losing a loved one, but because our business wasn't even supporting us financially, panic started to set in.
Derek and I were at crossroads of choices. Lying in the ditch, or moving forward. Well lying in the ditch sounded very nice and comforting. I know I layed in my ditch for a little while, and this was the fruit of it: My husband and I were in strife and disunity, I was feeling sorry for myself which created a great environment for my husband and children, I started to allow bitterness to set in which resulted in my heart hardening. I even started to have thoughts which became my words... "F" it all! Why am I even a Christain? I had very negative thoughts going thru my brain. But let me tell you this.. the thought of being away from God for even one second grieved me more than what we were going thru.
So again here are my choices.. stay in my ditch, which I started to decorate and invite people in. Or TAKE UP MY MAT AND WALK!!! Standing still or lying down for too long creates stagnation, which creates mold, which STINKS!! I was starting to become stinky! I was wandering around my wilderness complaining, whining, which caused me to become depressed and hopeless. Good Old Joycey had a great quote "Complain and remain, or praise and be raised!"
Well the stinky, lost, depressed choices that I was making were going really well for me (Note the sarcasm) I said enough, and left the ditch. How did I do that? I needed some great council that didn't lie with me in the ditch, but rather pulled me out. Derek and I went to our pastor and she gave us some great insight, and advice that wasn't flowery or even pleasant to hear. Her words "Tammy you have issues, and you need to forgive and let go"! She refused the invitation to come into my ditch. Instead she reached in and grabbed me to pull me out. The pulling out may be unpleasant,painful, uncomfortable, but necessary. Similiar to giving birth. Labor and delivery HURTS!!!!!! But each time AFTER I gave birth;EVERY time I looked into my baby boys' eyes, I forgot about the pain, and I wanted to do it again! Four to be exact! We have to go thru labor and delivery in order to get our baby.
So where am I now? I am birthing my dreams, goals, and ideas. I'm getting back at writing my book, which I am renaming "Growing Hinds feet". Based on Habakkuk 3:19 "The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights." A Hinds is a female deer. God has designed this animal to have feet to stand on steep mountains, but not only stand, but actually walk UP the mountain!! I am not STANDING around in fear, or terror, but I am WALKING UP the mountain. And the ONLY way I can do this is thru God's grace that empowers me!!! I have experienced the POWER of forgiveness. John Bevere said "It is more important to be in unity than being right" This enables you to be more effective. I was holding onto the fact that I was RIGHT! This created so much disunity, and strife in my marriage.
Things aren't perfect (nor will they ever be) but Derek and I feel that this is the season that things are changing, God is bringing us up to higher and newer heights. The only way you can get to the top, is if you have come from the bottom! The harder my obstacle is, the stonger I will become by the time I reach the top!!!
I will keep you posted in how AWESOME God is, and how He has empowered me with His grace to keep going forward and UP!
