My purpose of writing a blog and this new post, is to let people know that they aren't alone with what life throws at them. I believe that we get nowhere in life when we walk around with a constant and hard mask of "everything is fine and perfect in my life". Why are we so afraid of allowing someone in and letting them know the 'real' us. The people who have truly helped me grow spiritually and in every other aspect of my life are those who make themselves vulnerably. They have the bravery to take off their mask, and show who they really are. This in return makes me feel safe. Safe to share who I really am without judgement. Which it's too late now for that, as I deal with judgement on a daily basis, just like I'm sure you all do too.So with saying that...what I'm about to write is pretty much as vulnerable and authentic as I can get.
The statement that I heard while being a teenager was this "I want to be different....just like everybody else." Don't we all want to stand out just a little, but what does "different" look like. People get called freaks,weird eccentric,losers,nerdy when they step out and dare act "different". So I have seen and participated in becoming a "camelion". I blended in so that I would become accepted, I did things that I look back and cringe just so I would not be rejected and called different.
Well I think it's a life long journey to be fully comfortable in your skin. I for one have stuck out. Not because I wanted to but when you are 5'11 since the age of 15, have size 10 feet, and you and another girl are the tallest in the whole high school, you tend to stand out. So I learned to blend in by slouching, and putting myself "down" literally. My mother's words always are loud in my head everytime I want to slouch and they are this "You look worse when you slouch, and people notice that more in a negative way. Embrace who you are, you are beautiful". I appreciate the love of my mother. Well those words have never left me. Small, petite, cute girls would intimidate me, I would feel like an awkward elephant around them, and would act accordingly. I had no confidence at all.
Boundaries: I have had my boundaries violated since a child. I have always struggled with setting up my boundaries in a healthy way. I was 11 years old when I vowed that I would NEVER allow anyone to hurt me again! I had just came home after spending a weekend with my biological mother and the whole experience was awful. I instantly turned my heart cold. I became very hard,guarded and unapproachable. I was and still am very outgoing and friendly, but I would never let you get too close. And because I was terribly insecure I would surround myself with people that would constantly put me down. I now realize that a lot of this came from their own issues. But to accomodate them and make them feel better, I too, would join in and put myself down. So although I was vowing that nobody would hurt me, I was allowing them to violate my boundaries.
When Derek and I started pastoring in Hinton in 2007, I was excited but also very guarded. So guarded in fact that I had a woman come up to me and tell me that I had eyes like that of a vampire. haha how's that for honesty! Perhaps she told me that because at the time Vampires were very trendy. But as I look back I can understand where she was coming from. At that time I was very guraded, and distant as a protection sheild, so as to not get hurt. Being in the ministry you tend to get hit on a constant basis. So that was great bootcamp for me, to to learn how to remain soft hearted, but having a thick skin. Someone very wise told me that (MC)
It has taken me a long time, and I'm still learning how to set up healthy boundaries. I'm recognizing that when people respond to me in a negative manner, 99% it's their issue not mine. But that's a tough one to balance. Especially someone like me who has rejection issues! I have felt rejected most of my life. But that's not because necessarily people have rejected me, but because of rooted issues from the time my mother found out she was pregnant. I wasn't planned, or wanted, and I was always in the way. Now these are lies straight from the pit of Hell. But it took me probably in just the last decade to realize that.
My last blog was about pain. In these last few years my family has went through tremendous pain. And the fruit of that pain is I have had a few different people at different times, whom I hadn't seen for awhile,say the same thing"Tammy you look a lot SOFTER, and more peaceful." I just laugh at that as it has such a twist of irony. Who knew that going through what we went through would make me softer, and not harder!! That my friends is the mercy and grace of God!!
I just read this in my devotions today "forgiveness doesn't mean giving this person access in my life that sets me up for destructive patterns. ~ Lysa TerKeurst
I have had to basically put a restraining order on my bio mother, which has benn a healthy boundary for my family. I have had to set up boundaries with others, even though forgiveness has flooded my heart. Boundaries are not a bad thing, saying no is not a bad thing. Boundaries are becoming easier for me to set up, which I can now do not angrily. I can do this more simply because I'm more confident, comfortable in my own skin, and I am discovering who I truly am in Christ,
This blog took a different turn that I had expected it to, but perhaps someone needed to hear just this!
I encourage you to listen to what the Word of God says about you, renew your mind, embrace who you are. Step out, take off your mask and be courageous enough to be who God created you to be!!
