My journey of faith

What does it REALLY mean to have faith and hope? I'm writing this from a very fresh and raw point of view as that is what my family is directly walking in. Last Friday my husband got an unexpected call informing him that he, along with 15 other employees are laid off effective immediately! So just three weeks before Christmas my husband has no job. My faith and hope has been challenged. Here is my thinking: When Derek and I got the news, we weren't devastated, we actually had excitement stir in both our hearts. However when Monday hit, so did reality,as we were trying to stretch our budget, and Derek calling the labor board, EI, and sending out resumes, my faith and hope started to deteriorate. Before Derek got laid off, we had been making plans for our future, and part of that was the idea of me going back to school and getting training for a Dental Assistant. I was finally feeling that we were moving forward, and getting on our feet. I was having feelings of hope and exhileration, which was so refreshing, as I haven't had those feelings since the financial devestation we have been walking through for the last two and a half years. I had a sense of purpose that I hadn't felt for a very long time. And just in a split moment, everything changed. I was truly looking at what was going on around me, and I lost focus as to WHO really is in control. I believe in a BIG God. I believe that He can do far more than even I can expect Him to do. I believe that HE is my provider, and that He knows exactly what He is doing, and what is best for our family. Derek and I believe that this next step will be a step up, an advancement, a promotion.

During this time I am challenged to still have a giving and generous heart, and obey that voice that tells me to give without hesitation.

I don't have all the answers and sometimes I wish that God would just give me my 5 ,10,20 year plan, but then where would there be any room for faith and hope to blossom. During these hard times this is when my character is challenged and revealed.

Please stay tuned as I'm excited and have full anticipation and big expectations for the next season in our lives!

RED RED WINE.....

Have you ever wondered blindly through life and asked yourself "What am I doing"? or "What is going on"? "Where am I going"?..Well for the last few years I have been asking myself these questions.

When we are right in the middle of a dark abyss, with no "sign of light at the end of the tunnel" what does one do? You know I have had to really put aside my feelings when good people with good intentions give you the old cliche's. I have learned through that, that I really have put my trust in people instead of God. Bottom line is, when someone is going through a tough time, I mean a really tough time, God has given us compassion for a reason. I think a big part of compassion is closing the mouth and opening the ears. I tend to be a "fixer". I just want to fix it for them. In reality that is not my job, that's God's job. What I can do is listen, hug,perhaps bring them a starbucks, clean their house,babysit, and only speak if they want me to.

Back in the Bible days, they used what's called wine skins to hold wine. Yes people wine, not grape juice, but wine. Anyways Jesus would always teach people in parables. I'm thankful for that as He always used metaphors,allegories to illustrate tools that we can use to "get through" life. So back to the wine skins. If you poured fresh wine in an old wine skin it would burst, destroying both the fresh wine, and the wine skin.

I borrowed this illustration and explanation of the process of wine making:

The image of wineskins that Jesus uses in his parable is foreign to our culture. The only leather wine container we can imagine is the tear-shaped leather bota that Spaniards use to carry wine and squirt it into their mouth. But that is very unlike the wineskin Jesus refers to.

Wine was made by treading barefoot on the grapes in a wine press, a square or circular pit hewn out of the rock, or dug out and lined with rocks and sealed with plaster. (See Isaiah 63:2-3; Job 24:11b; Lamentations 1:15; Joel 3:13; Matthew 21:33; Revelation 14:19-20; 19:15, where treading the winepress was a symbol of judgment.) The juice then flowed through a channel into a lower vessel, a winevat which functioned as a collecting and fermenting container for the grape juice or must.

In the warm climate of Palestine, grape juice began to ferment very quickly and there was no easy way to prevent fermentation. After the first state of fermentation had taken place in the winevat, the wine was separated from the lees (that is, sediment of dead yeast, tartar crystals, small fragments of grape skins, etc.) and strained through a sieve or piece of cloth (cf. Matthew 23:24). After four to six days it was poured into clay jars lined with pitch (called amphorae in Greece, e.g. Jeremiah 48:11) or animal skins for storage and further fermentation.[3]

Wineskins were made of whole tanned goatskins where the legs and tail were cut off and had been sealed (1 Samuel 1:24; 10:3; 16:20; 25:18; 2 Samuel 16:1). In the Old Testament, the Hebrew word nebel, "skin-bottle, skin," is translated by the KJV as "bottle" which gives us images of glass wine bottles. But these were rather whole goatskins, with nubbins bulging out where the legs once were, the neck tied off where the wine has been poured in, the whole large skin bulging almost to bursting as the carbon dioxide gas generated by the fermentation process stretches it to its limit. This image is well described by Job:

"For I am full of words,
and the spirit within me compels me;
inside I am like bottled-up wine,
like new wineskins ready to burst." (Job 32:18-19)

Fermentation in the wineskin might continue for another two to four months until the process slows down and stops.[4] By that time the skin has been stretched to its limit. The alcohol is probably about 12%, and the collagen protein that gives the leather its stretching ability has been stretched out, and probably denatured by the alcohol, destroying its natural resiliency. The skin's ability to contract and stretch again has been lost. - by Dr. Ralph F. Wilson

Every woman who has had a baby or a couple of them know that their belly just doesn't quite go down like it was before it was stretched to an unimaginable size.

This is what I'm saying: Once you have been stretched, you are never the same. The stretching process is defintely not fun, as it can be quite painful. But stretching changes your shape, and size. Once your mind has been stretched you can never go back to the old way of thinking. This is good. Change is good. Honestly the good old days are over, and better days are ahead.

I feel like a new wineskin ready to burst,but if the wineskin is opened before it's ready, the fermenting process will be incomplete. Perhaps you feel like me, and that you have something wonderful and "intoxicating" to share with the world. But if the process of aging wine is interupted too soon, the taste will be bitter, and sour.

When I'm around people I don't want a bitter taste to be left in their mouth. But I'd rather leave the sweet aroma of Jesus. So through this season of stretching, I'm using it as a time of learning,waiting, and refining. My prayer and hope is that when it comes time to pour out this new wine, it will have the full-bodied characteristics of that of a perfectly aged wine that leaves a sweet aroma.

What the??

We just watched "The Miracle" last night. It's the story about when three whales were trapped in Alaska in 1988. Well the whole world spent millions of dollars trying to save these whales. People literally risked their lives to save them... I can't believe how backwards our world is.Why can't we do that to save human lives? I loved the last line in the movie which was narrated by a local Eskimo boy and he said" We all still laugh how the outsiders made such a fuss".

When we make a "fuss" about how unborn children are being aborted everyday, we are accused of discriminating against women's rights. We have more human slavery in the 21st century then we ever have in history. Someone needs to make a fuss over these HUMAN lives.

I love animals, and of course you should show kindness to animals, and I'm all about animal rights. But why is the world spending more money, and caring more for the animal rights, then human lives? Our society is more concerned about saving extinct species then saving human beings.Especially the ones that don't have a voice. I for one almost lost my life in my mother's womb. Thank GOD for her rebellious nature at the time, and for carrying me full term. I have a voice, and I'm going to use it. The line from Horton Hears a Who "A person's a person no matter how small".

I believe with every fiber and cell that is inside of me that NO ONE was a mistake. Your parents may have not planned you, but God did. We all have been created for a purpose. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to finally find your calling or purpose. You have to overcome many obstacles, and trials,and hardship to find why you were put on this earth. But it's BECAUSE of my own hardships, and obstacles that I have endured that I FOUND my purpose. I have a voice to speak up in this world. I will do what I can to get it heard!

www.thea21campaign.org 
www.homeofhope.ca

These are the organizations that Derek and I support that are making a difference in some body's life. They are speaking up for the voiceless, the poor, the hurting.

When I was in Grade nine, I remember walking down the hall and watching a severely disabled girl that was the same age as me, lifting up her shirt and running down the hall. At this time she was very well developed.My peers were laughing and cheering her on. I just stared in disbelief, paralyzed by my own insecurities, and not knowing what to do,I hesitated. Then finally someone else spoke up and helped her. I am so ashamed that I didn't do something, I just STOOD, and STARED. I am no longer hesitating, or standing on the sidelines. I am a full on activist against injustice, especially for those that nobody wants to hear.

Trail blazing

If people could describe me in one word, I have been told, it would be authentic. I have never been great at fitting a certain mould. I have been told in the past, it's because I'm unteachable, and rebellious.  I look back at some of the decisions in my life,  and yes I made mistakes that I would love to take back.  I knew at the time, that making these descisions were made out of pure rebellion. So when that wasn't really working for me, I picked myself up, and although it took me a few tries at making the same mistake, I FINALLY learned and decided this just sucks, started to make better choices.

If we look back in history, and look at all the world changers, and leaders in this world, each and everyone of them were told things like "You will never do it because... you are not smart enough,rich enough, attractive enough", or whatever. When people make a difference in this world they have had to go against all odds, and sometimes the odds is the red tape that just needs to be just cut.

One of my two favorite quotes are "Well behaved women rarely make history", and "Don't try to blend in, when you were BORN to stand out". Now of course these are all great inspirational quotes, but it will carry a person so far. People who are trailblazers and pioneer world changers,their true glory is revealed in the dark not in the light. The many late nights, and long hours, "failures", and the sweat, blood, and tears that go into their dream. So when all thier hard work finally pays off,and others benefit from that, it's easy to become and get inspired by these amazing people. BUT it has to go further than just getting inspired. I will give you a personal example. I have a goal that by the time I'm 40 which will be next July 6, I will be in the best shape of my life.. and I used to be in pretty good shape. I can read all the inspirational quotes, and instructions on what to do, but if I don't apply it, nothing will happen. Where's the glory in getting up at ungodly hour, putting your body through pain, depriving yourself from chocolate and other wonderful treats? When I see AND feel a difference in my body, that's where the glory is. 

Being married to my husband I have learned that he isn't called to be a copy cat, or to follow the  mainstream path of life. He gravitates to movies that the underdog always wins against all odds.He has such a heart for the underdog. He sees not where they are at the moment, but their potential, and where they could be. Bottom line is my husband was created to be a trailblazer. Now if anyone has been on a path of a trailblazer,they know that it's not an easy one. But when you have attained your goal, and through that journey, helped someone else change their life, or inspired them to make a diference, that, right there my friend, is where the reward and glory is.

When standing out, and doing something different that goes against the grain, you will get a lot of opposition. So this is when a person truly is challenged to fully needs to know who they are, and what they have been called to do. A person will have to have the courage to silence the oppostion voice, and the bravery to continue to step forward and not retract into a fetal position. Which I'm not happy to say I have done many times. BUT doing what we have been called and created to do despite all the obstacles, describes to me "living life abundantly!" God never promised us an easy street life. But He did promise to always be there when we "walk through the valley of the shadow of death", and to be right in there WITH us when we are in the firery furnace.

Boundaries

My purpose of writing a blog and this new post, is to let people know that they aren't alone with what life throws at them. I believe that we get nowhere in life when we walk around with a constant and hard mask of "everything is fine and perfect in my life". Why are we so afraid of allowing someone in and letting them know the 'real' us. The people who have truly helped me grow spiritually and in every other aspect of my life are those who make themselves vulnerably. They have the bravery to take off their mask, and show who they really are. This in return makes me feel safe. Safe to share who I really am without judgement. Which it's too late now for that, as I deal with judgement on a daily basis, just like I'm sure you all do too.So with saying that...what I'm about to write is pretty much as vulnerable and authentic as I can get.

The statement that I heard while being a teenager was this "I want to be different....just like everybody else." Don't we all want to stand out just a little, but what does "different" look like. People get called freaks,weird eccentric,losers,nerdy  when they step out and dare act "different". So I have seen and participated in becoming a "camelion". I blended in so that I would become accepted, I did things that I look back and cringe just so I would not be rejected and called different.

Well I think it's a life long journey to be fully comfortable in your skin. I for one have stuck out. Not because I wanted to but when you are 5'11 since the age of 15, have size 10 feet, and you and another girl are the tallest in the whole high school, you tend to stand out. So I learned to blend in by slouching, and putting myself "down" literally. My mother's words always are loud in my head everytime I want to slouch and they are this "You look worse when you slouch, and people notice that more in a negative way. Embrace who you are, you are beautiful". I appreciate the love of my mother. Well those words have never left me. Small, petite, cute girls would intimidate me, I would feel like an awkward elephant around them, and would act accordingly. I had no confidence at all.

Boundaries: I have had my boundaries violated since a child. I have always struggled with setting up my boundaries in a healthy way. I was 11 years old when I vowed that I would NEVER allow anyone to hurt me again! I had just came home after spending a weekend with my biological mother and the whole experience was awful. I instantly turned my heart cold. I became very hard,guarded and unapproachable. I was and still am very outgoing and friendly, but I would never let you get too close. And because I was terribly insecure I would surround myself with people that would constantly put me down. I now realize that a lot of this came from their own issues. But to accomodate them and make them feel better, I too, would join in and put myself down. So although I was vowing that nobody would hurt me, I was allowing them to violate my boundaries.

When Derek and I started pastoring in Hinton in 2007, I was excited but also very guarded. So guarded in fact that I had a woman come up to me and tell me that I had eyes like that of a vampire. haha how's that for honesty! Perhaps she told me that because at the time Vampires were very trendy. But as I look back I can understand where she was coming from. At that time I was very guraded, and distant as a protection sheild, so as to not get hurt. Being in the ministry you tend to get hit on a constant basis. So that was great bootcamp for me, to to learn how to remain soft hearted, but having a thick skin. Someone very wise told me that (MC)

It has taken me a long time, and I'm still learning how to set up healthy boundaries. I'm recognizing that when people respond to me in a negative manner, 99% it's their issue not mine. But that's a tough one to balance. Especially someone like me who has rejection issues! I have felt rejected most of my life. But that's not because necessarily people have rejected me, but because of rooted issues from the time my mother found out she was pregnant. I wasn't planned, or wanted, and I was always in the way. Now these are lies straight from the pit of Hell. But it took me probably in just the last decade to realize that.

My last blog was about pain. In these last few years my family has went through tremendous pain. And the fruit of that pain is I have had a few different people at different times, whom I hadn't seen for awhile,say the same thing"Tammy you look a lot SOFTER, and more peaceful." I just laugh at that as it has such a twist of irony. Who knew that going through what we went through would make me softer, and not harder!! That my friends is the mercy and grace of God!!

I just read this in my devotions today "forgiveness doesn't mean giving this person access in my life that sets me up for destructive patterns. ~ Lysa TerKeurst

I have had to basically put a restraining order on my bio mother, which has benn a  healthy boundary for my family. I have had to set up boundaries with others, even though forgiveness has flooded my heart. Boundaries are not a bad thing, saying no is not a bad thing. Boundaries are becoming easier for me to set up, which I can now do not angrily. I can do this more simply because I'm more confident, comfortable in my own skin, and I am discovering who I truly am in Christ,

This blog took a different turn that I had expected it to, but perhaps someone needed to hear just this!
I encourage you to listen to what the Word of God says about you, renew your mind, embrace who you are. Step out, take off your mask and be courageous enough to be who God created you to be!!

LIMITLESS Life

Have any of you seen the movie "LIMITLESS" it was released back in 2010 with Bradley Cooper as the main character. Before I get into the movie I do want to point out that my oldest son had this very idea before this movie came out. Mickial came down stairs one day and said I have this great idea for a movie. He began to explain it like this "You know how we only use 10% of our brain? Well what if you could take a pill and it expanded your brain power so that it gave you super hero powers!" Derek and I were astounded by this idea that our 9 1/2 year old at the time came up with. Not one month later, Derek and I were in the movie theatre watching previews and the preview came on for Limitless. This movie is the VERY thing that Mickial was talking about. Derek and I looked at each other dumbfounded. Just to give you a quick run down of the movie's plot: basically the main character came across some kind of drug that he can take, which gave him the ability to do super human things. With this drug he was able to write a novel in 12 hours, run forever, and had the capacity to expand his brain to do super human wonders. However when the drug started to wear off his whole body would crash dangerously, and for others who have taken this drug over a long period of time ironically had fatal results.

So here's my point: When we "wake up" and EXPAND our limited and capped thinking from 10% to 100% how unstoppable can we be?

What I'm discovering about life is that through heart break,hardship,pain,grief,and turbulence brings break throughs. Please note that I said THROUGH not around, or running from. I have to be honest my first instinct to pain or confrontation is wanting to run. I had ran from many things and issues in my life, until I just simply became exhausted and empty. The results of my running FROM things were that of a limited life. And because I ran FROM issues, and people, what I ran TO was becoming very destructive in my life.

It wasn't until I stopped running from all my past hurts, that I experienced freedom. Through God's timing, He gave me the strength to deal with and finally confronted face to face some of the many, many oh so many issues in my life!

This process is very uncomfortable, and can be painful at times. But God's word says that there is a time for everything: Ecclesiates 3:1-9

A Time for Everything

3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.


Right now I'm getting back in shape. So this alone is painful. Especially the work outs. I have to push past what my mind is telling me.(Without injuring myself and not having a heart attack) "What the heck are you doing to my body this is very painful!" once I push past the pain I then realize what my body is actually capable of doing! It's quite amazing actually. I have discovered how strong I actually am, once I get past the pain. Every time I push myself that much more I literally feel "limitless"!

I see people stuck. Stuck in mind sets,stuck in a life style of poor choices, stuck in religiosity, stuck in safe, stuck in fear, stuck in bitterness and unforgiveness, stuck in habits, stuck in insecurities. STUCK STUCK STUCK!!

I was stuck too for a very long time. I didn't start to get unstuck until, I realized that God was using these "sandpaper" people, and situtaitons in my life not to rub me the WRONG way, but to rub me INTO the right way. That running to the "other side" wasn't ever greener.

It's so very hard to see the light at the end of a very hard road when there is no hope. Hope can be a scary thing. It's a risk to dare to hope...We can only live 3 days without water, 40 days without food, but we can only live for one second without hope. Sometimes getting to that light is a journey of pain. But please believe me that the pain doesn't last forever. Just like after a painful workout; going through it may seem like hell, but the results are worth it. As it removes all the "caps, stucks, and limits in our life so that we can go on to live a limitless life!

Diamond in the making

I don't know about any of you, but I have issues. During this time of "Spritual Boot camp" that I'm going through, and perhaps some of you are also going through the same thing, things, ugly things are being literally squeezed out of me. I literally feel as though God is squeezing and putting the pressure and heat one me. Well what came to my mind was diamonds. I looked up how diamonds are formed, this is the definition that I found:

Diamonds were formed in the earth thousands of years ago under extreme heat and pressure. This extreme heat and pressure in the earth transformed the carbon into crystals and turned it colorless. Although diamonds formed deep in the earth, volcanic activity is what brought them to the surface. Hence, these volcanic pipes have diamonds in them. Over time, as some other minerals mix with carbon the diamond may takes on color. Most diamonds have some hint of yellow or brown in them. Others that did not mix with minerals are colorless. Some diamonds undergo dramatic changes to vivid or unique colors. These are very rare and valued more than normal diamonds.

hmmm the more the dramatic changes the diamond endures...the more valuable and rare it becomes. Well while reading this I had a "Holy Spirit aha revelation moment".

First thing that I read this morning in my devotions was "For the Lord corrects and disciplines everyone whom He loves, and He punishes, even scourges, every son whom He accepts and welcomes to His heart and cherishes.—Hebrews 12:6

For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness—in conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God] (Hebrews 12:11).

When a diamond is mined and picked before it's fully formed, the less valuable it is. I tend to want a "microwave breakthrough" all the time. Well God doesn't work according to OUR schedule. I'm really learning to be at peace during this time, and fully rest and to "Be still and know that He is God".

I think God is speaking to me. But I know He's just not speaking to me but to many of you too. Are you going through some Spiritual discipline? Well be encouraged that it's not because God is mad at you, but he is forming you into becoming a beautiful, rare, highly valuable diamond!!

Then there's the chiseling, shaping, and polishing part of the diamond..I'll save that one for another blog ;)

WHEN is my time?

I always feel the strong need to blog when something is burning in my heart.

Ever since moving to Calgary, never has life been so murky for both my husband and me. Derek and I both have desires in our hearts that we believe are God planted. But we both feel now isn't the time to execute those desires for a number of reasons. God hasn't showed us or opened doors to go forward with these desires just yet. We believe we are in a time of "holding". This is a very tough time I must say. When you have all these dreams,and ideas in your head, but you don't have the "fire in the belly" to execute them all. I believe that "fire" is Heaven breathed. Does this sound all to spiritual. I believe that God gives us desires and dreams not to tease or taunt us. So we may have the dreams that are God given but timing is everything. I don't want to step out without God's annointing. But at the same time I don't want to MISS out because of well... fear. SO how do we know when it's our time? Isn't that a million dollar question? How I'm going about this very thing is making sure I have peace. Right now there is an opportunity for me. It is the very thing that is basically what I love doing. But I don't feel peace at the moment. So I'm doing a lot of soul searching,as to why I don't have peace. This makes me turn to the Word, and and I'm searching as to what is God saying to me. I find that I'm my own worst enemy a lot. I can create my own war to rage inside of me. As I'm trying to force the peace. But along this journey what is inside my heart is revealed. I have an amazing husband that willingly and lovingly becomes my sound board, and because he is a great and patient listener it enables me to get out what I need. However my husband doesn't stop there as he always gives me wise council. I couldn't be more thankful for a more amazing husband.

I want to share this blog from Christine Caine with you as it truly answered some of my questions and helped bring me closer to the peace that I need.


If You're Waiting for a Sign, THIS IS IT

I think I could have just posted this sign today as the blog and simply left it at that.

 

I don’t know what it is you are waiting for but I have a feeling that for some of you today is the day to simply step out and do it.
We often miss our moment because we are waiting for the perfect moment.
The moment the planets will align.
The moment every “I” is dotted and every “T” is crossed.
The moment we have 3 more confirmations to back up the 10 we already have.
The moment everyone approves.
The moment all the money comes through.
The moment everyone is on board.
The moment when we are qualified enough.
The moment when we are experienced enough.
The moment we are connected enough.
The moment we have prayed enough.
The moment we have fasted enough.
We are not sure when that moment is but it is always in some future time.
It is always not quite now.

Not yet.
The moment when we, who are not yet enough and don’t have enough, will somehow be enough, do enough, and have enough.
Let me be clear – we will never be enough.
We will never be...
Smart enough
Talented enough
Resourced enough
Perfect enough
Connected enough
Knowledgeable enough
We are not meant to be.
That is why we serve the God that is MORE THAN ENOUGH – El Shaddai
Let's not be like Pharoah when Moses asked him; "I leave to you the honor of setting the time for me to pray for you and your officials and your people that you and your houses may be rid of the frogs, except for those that remain in the Nile"(Exodus 8:9).
Instead of answering “RIGHT NOW, THIS MINUTE, TODAY" he answered, "TOMORROW"(Exodus 8:10).

Why would that man want to spend one more night with those frogs?
What are you putting off until the tomorrow that never comes because you simply will not step out today?
Do it
Make that call
Try out for that team
Apologize
Volunteer
Give
Enroll in that course
Say yes to that friendship
Cut off those negative voices
Confront that person
Deal with that addiction
Be honest
Now is the time!

Muscle Memory

Well week one down, and onto week two! I wouldn't say that I did great, but I'm starting out slowly. I usually tend to go full force at the start, and I can get burnt out. I'm a natural sprinter, but this journey I need to view more as a marathon, especially with the injuries that I have. HOWEVER I also need to be stronger than my excuses!!
I started my first weight loss journey back in November 2007. The first seven months I actually gained weight. I was very discouraged and frustrated. I also allowed the numbers on the scale to dictate how I felt that day.I then got my hands onto two books that changed my life: Eat Clean diet by Tosco Reno, and Body for Life. Before these two books, I was only working out 3 times a week and still eating whatever I want. And if you want to LOSE weight a person needs to increase their exercise and decrease their calorie intake. I didn't realize that what you eat is actually 80% of the journey. So for this next weight loss journey I'm more educated, and have more muscle than back in 2007. It took me almost three years to lose 60 pounds. I'm giving myself ONE year to lose 50! My goal is to actually lose it quicker than that. With being more educated on fitness and nutrition, knowing what my body is capable of, and still having the muscle that I gained from before, I'm in a much better position! My weakness right now is to trying to keep focused! Also liking myself and not hating or being angry with myself for gaining this weight back. This journey is learning to be content, but not satisfied!!!

Day One!

When my alarm clock went off this morning at 5:35 am I can't say that I jumped out of bed, clapped my hands and said "Well Praise the Lord!" nope none of the above were any of the emotions that I was feeling. No I was thinking thoughts like "What am I doing?", Is this worth it? I'll start tomorrow!... but when I got up and weighed myself for the first time in a long time, that's when reality slapped me right in the face and I eagerly put on my workout clothes, and with determination went to my first boot camp class this morning. It was so great! Driving back home, that's when the endorphin "high" kicked in, and THAT'S when my excitment and motivation kicked into high gear!

Ok so now for the eating part. That is why I love to start the day with a workout, as it encourages me and I find it easier to eat properly as I don't want to waste all the hard work that I did the morning!

It's going to be a great day!!!

Living life on purpose

Ok.. so for the next year this blog is going to have some changes. I'm feeling the fire inside my belly again, and I'm needing to do something about it. Since moving to Calgary things havn't exactly went the way that my husband and I had planned. So.. putting all that has transpired behind...it's time to move forward. "My beloved spoke and said to me, 'Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.'" Song of Songs 2:10-11 (NIV)

Over the next year I will be blogging about my weight loss, getting back in shape journey. Yes I did this before, and now I need to do it again.  I will be turning 39 this Friday July 6. My goal is to be in the best shape of my LIFE by age 40! So my weight loss goal is set at 50 pounds. That will be my high school weight. It took me 2 years to lose 60 pounds last time... I'm determined to lose 50 in 1 year!

My reason for blogging my journey is for a couple of reasons: 1) So I can be accountable.. once I have put it out there I will be accountable to do it! 2) I hope to inspire others, as I will be real,truthful, and raw about the whole journey! I will be posting pictures... (oh fun!)

I can write a whole bunch of quotes right now, but bottom line is that I need to put my own sweat, and tears into this. If anyone has went on a weight loss journey, or any other highly disciplined journey... I'm sure they can attest to how difficult it can be. But easy doesn't bring victory. I have been putting this dream on the back burner for sometime now, and if I want to make this a reality now is the time.

My heart started to race, not with excitement, but with fear when I spoke the amount of weight I wanted to lose out loud to my husband. I started to analyse why I felt that way. I was scared of failure that I wouldn't reach it, I also know how much work is required in order to reach this goal...early mornings, sore muscles,pain,..and worst of all the discipline of eating....am I up for this... YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!!!!!!

So here we go, I invite you on my 1 year journey. It's very attainable as I only have to lose less than 5 lbs a month. How it all starts is in the MIND....I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!




July 1 2012



What are you contending for?

I had mentioned this in one of my earlier posts from last year. I had read something in Kevin Gerald's book "The Forces that Form You". In the book it talked about how some archaeologists found some seeds that were a thousand years old. They decided to plant it to find out if they would actually produce somthing. To their amazement something came from that seed. I loved this because it makes me reflect on my own life. What seeds are still inside of me that need to be planted. Seeds can't grow into a harvest unless they are planted. I'll get right to the point to where I'm going with this. God knew us before he formed us in the womb. The creator of the Universe made you and me! The Bible says that God made man in His own likeness. So He made us like Him. God is light,love, just,merciful. Therefore, God instilled all these amazing qualities into our DNA makeup...His children. So God created us to be great! To DO something great. So my question is what are you and me doing about it?

When I look back into history and read, and research all what man kind has done, it simply amazes me! How many times has the earth been destroyed through war,natural disasters,and poverty. Over and over again we see how man has failed, overcome, then succeed. God our creator has designed us to not give up! God made us human. So this means that humans make mistakes, and misjudgements. I don't know anyone on this planet that hasn't made a mistake. In fact, of what I have read in history, the most successful people are the ones that have "failed" the most. I believe they may have "failed" simply because they were risk takers. Often risk takers fall off a cliff. Well Jesus is our "rope". We, with the strength God gives us climb back up the cliff and try again. Hopefully we learn, turn, and try again!

All that I'm trying to say is that EVERYONE has some kind of "seed" inside of them that needs to be planted. The Bible uses so many references to a farmer's field as a metaphor to how we should live our life. If you look at the instructions on how to cultivate,and produce a harvest, there are important stages, and seasons to which is involved. What season are you in? Is it your Spring: Which farmers are plowing the soil to get ready to seed the ground. Is it your summer/fall: Which is harvest time!!! Are you ready to bring in your harvest? What do you need to do to get ready. Are you in a Winter: Rest. Letting the soil rest and settle.

Lastly, I encourage you not to allow life's or even the enemy's obstacles to get in your way of your goal/dream. Instead allow these "stepping stones" to strengthen you  physically,emotionally, and mentally. Take BACK what Jesus died on the Cross for, and gave us authority. Authority over sickness, over depression, over poverty, over mediocrity, over "good enough". What exactly does it mean to live life "Abundantly?" Don't allow discouragement, or circumstances to rob you from planting your precious God-instilled "seed (s)"...CONTEND for it!!!

2010-2012

2010 has been one of those challenging years. We started the year with going to Costa Rica for my sister's wedding. Then when we got back Derek and I knew a change was going to happen, little did we know that WE were the change. We resigned from lead Pastors from the church we were pastoring in Hinton, and began the transitional life altering change.We moved to Calgary Aug 1. We have started a business called Jirah Concrete Design. We came up with that name from the HEbrew word Jehovah Jirah, which means "My God the Provider" We are believing that God will be our ultimate provider.I invite you to to check out our website http://www.jirahconcretedesign.com/ Derek has worked very long hours, which has forced our family to draw close to each other, as that is all who we have.I am believing good things to happen and shift in 2011. I believe that 2010 was a year of "calling out". 2011 is a year that God is going to TURN. Turning our circumstances torwards our God ordained destiny. "He directs the steps of a righteous man". Just like Nehemiah in the Bible. He was a leader to which God called. He was rebuilding the walls of the ruined city of Jerusalum. He endured great challenges and great opposition to which his enemies were trying to kill him and all those who were trying to rebuild the walls. The workers would work with a hammer in one hand to rebuild the wall, and a sword in the other hand to fight off the enemies.I relate to Nehemiah right now. I feel great opposition and fierce forces against me and my family. However I WILL NOT GIVE UP! Nehemiah finished what he started. Philipians 1:6 .6For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.I encourage anyone that is reading this to keep going!!

Who am I?-From "The Journals of a CRaCkEd POT mom"

These past two years I have been asking myself  "Who am I?" I grew up in Hinton, Alberta. High School wasn't easy nor was it too fun. After High School I moved to Edmonton and vowed I'd NEVER move back to Hinton.Well 6 years later I moved back with my to- be husband Derek, and remained there for 13 years! During those 13 years we struggled, succeeded and overcame many times over again. Two years ago we moved to Calgary, and I thought I really knew who I was, because I had conquored all my "demons" in Hinton.

Well I was wrong. Upon moving to Calgary I had everything I'd known about myself "stipped" away from me. One of the obstacles that I overcame while living in Hinton was my weight. I went on a weight loss journey for three years and lost 60 pounds. It felt very good, amazing actually! Well two years later I have gained 30 pounds since living here in Calgary. I felt in Hinton I had somewhat of a voice and influence and becoming the change that I wanted to see. Moving here I felt I have lost my voice, why would anyone listen to me? In Hinton we started to become financially successful, and getting ahead. Moving here, lost it all!

I understand how the Isrealites felt when they were being led out of Egypt. They started to complain and yearn to go back to being slaves in Egypt. Exodus 14:11 "“Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt?I know that God has called us out of Hinton, and to start a new life here in Calgary. Not only have we had to start all over again, but God has torn down the old foundation, and He is rebuilding a brand new foundation for our life. Being torn down, broken, and re-molded is NOT fun. However being pieced back together, and rebuilt brick by brick with brand new, and STRONGER materials is worth it! With God's correction,redemption,restoration, forgivness,grace, and mercy as the mortar that make the bricks stick together makes for an awesome CRACKED POT.

As I was running one day in the beautiful trails right in front of my house, I had tears streaming down my face crying out to God "WHO AM I?" I'm sure my passerbyers were looking at me strangely, but I didn't care. I heard God's voice say "You KNOW who you are... You need to get back to that place." Well I'm getting back there. We have to remember our roots, our steps before sometimes in order to go forward. But once we are MOVING forward don't look back to your past. It's very hard to plow a straight path for our future seeds to be planted, if we are busy looking behind us. In order for the seeds to grow, we have to have futile,soft, ripe soil.

Like I said in my past blog, God speaks to me through silly kid movies. 1 Corithinans 1:27 (msg)"Take a good look, friends, at who you were when you got called into this life. I don't see many of "the brightest and the best" among you, not many influential, not many from high-society families. Isn't it obvious that God deliberately chose men and women that the culture overlooks and exploits and abuses, chose these "nobodies" to expose the hollow pretensions of the "somebodies"? That makes it quite clear that none of you can get by with blowing your own horn before God. Everything that we have—right thinking and right living, a clean slate and a fresh start—comes from God by way of Jesus Christ. That's why we have the saying, "If you're going to blow a horn, blow a trumpet for God."  So as I was driving the kids they were watching "Kung Fu Panda". IT was one of the last scenes of the movie: When Po (The unlikely chosen Dragon Warrior) was fighting Thai-Lung (The big bad guy). Thai-Lung says to Po "You can't defeat me, you are just a big, fat, panda" IT's what Po said next that I felt the Holy Spirit speak to me loudly, and clearly "I'm not just a big fat panda... I'm THE big fat panda". I felt God say to me" When the devil is taunting you with "Who do you think you are, you are just this, and that, don't forget you did this....blah blah, etc etc"..God said very loudly in my spirit "You tell him that you are THE TAMMY BELZILE.. child and joint Heir of God, I knew you before you were formed in your Mothers' womb... A Chosen generation, Royal Priest hood. The same spirit that raised Christ from the Dead dwells in me, and I can DO ALL things through Christ who Strengthens me!!!! This my friends is who I am. And this is who you are!

I am NOT my past, I am NOT the words that people have spoken against me,I am NOT my mistakes,nor was I a mistake, and I am NOT my feelings. I am what God tells me who I am. And I can only know that if and when I read the Word of God. "But no weapon that is used against you will succeed. People might bring charges against you. But you will prove that they are wrong. Those are the things I do for my servants. I make everything right for them," announces the Lord.: Isaiah 54:16-17

I challenge, and encourage you my friend to fully, and truly know who you are... because when you do, you will become an undefeated,unstoppable,unshakable effective weapon against the enemy. When we walk into and start to believe God's truth about us, nothing can stop us. IF God is for you, who can be against you. With walking in God's confidence we can change other people's lives and speak life, which will start to change YOUR world, which is a start to changing the culture of this hopeless world. Who needs to hear the love of Jesus? Tell someone what He has done to change your life, and not only speak it to someone... LIVE IT!!!

Wax on...Wax off

I'm writing this straight from my heart as it is very fresh. Lately I have been feeling very strong about the call that I feel God has placed in my life. However I have not yet received or "got" the whole vision, and or picture of how I'm going to get there. Currently I'm finishing my book "Self-Imposed Prison", as this has been one of the things that I have wanted to do. Along with becoming an author, I am also starting to speak and share my testimony about what God has miraculous done in my life. However the doors are not opening up fast enough in my liking. So just this morning as I'm reading my Bible, I started to pray and truly seek God about "my calling", and I asked Him "how come it's not coming together as fast as I'd like it to." God speaks to me in all sorts of ways: I hear his voice clearly, sometimes he gives me a vision, and sometimes he gives me scenarios from movies. I find as I'm watching a movie (especially kids cartoons) the Holy Spirit really speaks clearly to me about life and the perception of "life. So this morning this is what I felt God drop into my heart: It's from the movie "Karate Kid". When the karate kid's master was training and teaching him, there is a nortious scene where he teaches the kid to wash his car. And the master clearly said "Wax on... wax off" and showed him the motions on how to do just that. He never said why he was showing him to do that, or even the purpose. Well the kid would furiously and stubbornly do as his master told him. But all the while, thought he was being taken advantage of because he thought the master only was using him to wash his car. During this frustrating time of training, the kid learned to submit and obey, and in due time the kid finally figured out why he had to learn "wax on... wax off." It was during practicing (although at the time he never knew he was practicing) those repetitious, boring "moves" that won him the tournament later in the movie. Well are you getting my point? If someone feels a call in their life, God sees your heart, and in order for our hearts to align with God's, He needs to develop our character. My suggestion is not only watch movies, but getting into The Word, knowing it, imprinting it in your heart. The more we know the Word, the more we know Him, and in the end the more we know ourselves.

I have to admit when I felt God saying this to me. I wasn't at all happy. In fact the tears started to flow. I reacted exactly how the kid acted in Karate Kid. I felt frustrated, disappointed, and a little angry. But I quickly recovered and really started to think about this. God knows me far better than I know myself. He will know exactly the time when I'm ready to fully go! Right now I'm getting a huge character lesson. We all have giftings, but in order to fully flourish in our giftings we have to have STRONG character. I believe our character needs to be even stronger than our giftings. I am learning to be faithful with the little things, in order for God to give me more and more and more. "Man makes their plans, but God directs their steps."

I love the saying that Joyce Meyer has "The light shines brighter through cracked pots". Notice it doesn't say "crack pots" well I am a CRACKED pot, and it was ONLY through God's grace that rebuilt my "pot."Therefore allowing His light to shine brightly through the cracks. These cracks represent God's grace, mercy, and love. Only He can get glorified through my life. Because if I did things my way, I wouldn't be anywhere near where I am today. I am a very blessed woman, blessings that I don't deserve, but because of God's mercies and goodness I live a life of freedom. I also want to point out that God doesn't see a cracked pot, he sees a perfectly sculpted,whole pot. And I think we all need to see ourselves through the eyes of Jesus, and how He sees us. When I get my eyes off of me and onto Him, and others I'm so much more effective. There are so many broken people that have needs that should be met. We pray for God to help them, when actually it is US that are the answer to our own prayers. So how do we help? The needs of the world can be overwhelming. But by just saying yes to that one person,we can make a whole world of a difference to that one.(I heard from Andy Stanley) Which in return that person would effect another person, and the domino's of helping others start to flow. I believe that when we are real, and allow people to see who we really are, speaks volumes. We never know what kind of seeds we are planting in peoples lives by just being the real us.

So I guess now I will go empty my dishwasher, fill it, feed my kids lunch, wash my floor and throw in a load of laundry. Wax on.... Wax off!

In the Eye of the Storm

IN THE EYE OF THE STORM

Here is my story: My reasoning for sharing is simple: To bring hope and freedom to someone that may think that they "got dealt the wrong set of cards". To put it bluntly, yet simply; I'm nothing short of a miracle.

My mother found herself pregnant and alone at the age of 19 years old. It was however, her own choice to be alone, as my biological father would have gladly helped her in any way he could. She, along with my grandparents went to the doctor to discuss her "options". A- abortion, B- To have me. Well the doctor along with my grandparents were uring her to go with option A, so rebelliously she chose B. I along with my husband, and children thank her for chosing option A... having me. God says in his Word that "He knew us before he formed us in the womb"... "You are fearfully and wonderfully made". I don't believe that any human being is an "oops" or a mistake. God also does not make any junk, nor mistakes.

The first five years of my life, would be that of which no child should have. However during that time, I was a happy child. At the age of three I found myself knocking door to door in my underwear asking for food, as there was none at home. My mother would wash my hair in cold water repeatedly as our electricity had been cut off. We lived by candelite, which I thought at the time was fun,and cool but the reason is again we had no electricity. One day my mother decided that she would take off for a couple of days, leaving me to fend on my own. I was about 4 at the time. I asked her about 13 years ago why she would do this. Her defence was she had asked my 7 year old friend to ask his mom to look after me, and she assumed that all the arrangements were taken care of. So a person can see what kind of state her mind was in.

Well when she decided to come back social services and police had already been called. I remember a lot from my childhood, but that event I do not. I was taken in a police car screaming for my mother, and she too was screaming for me, all the while scratching the skin off the poor police officer's face.

I was placed in a foster home for a month. But thankfully I had an aunt that lived in BC and she temporarily had custody of me. I lived with her for six months. Her goal was to reconcile me with my mother. But my mother was not ready (nor has she yet) to take responsiblity and change her lifestyle. While I was living with my Aunt Carol the power went out one time in her house due to a thunder storm. I was 5 at the time, and while my other cousins were hiding under the table because of the darkness, I stormed up to her, putting my hands on my hips and declared "Auntie Carol did you pay your power bill this month?" We all get a good laugh now at that story.

Well enter in two of the most amazing people I know: My parents who raised me. Pat and Dennis. At the time I had called them Auntie Patty and Uncle Den. My mother and Pat are sisters. They have been part of my life since birth. If anyone has experienced adoption in one way or another, understands this statement: "Spirit is thicker than Blood". One story that my dad (uncle Den) tells, and he cannot tell this story without the tears streaming. Well I can't tell the story without my tears streaming: I was about three at the time, they were over visiting, and I had crawled up on his knee ,and lovingly I looked into this eyes and said "Uncle Den will you take me home and be my dad?"

They came from Alberta and were able to obtain permanant custody of me. Two years prior of me living with them they had a son. Unfortunately their son Shane passed away six hours after he was born. He had a condition called spina bifida.

So I started Grade one in Hinton, Alberta. My mother (Jane) hitchiked from Kamloops, BC to Hinton and kidnapped me from school. She then got me to stand on the side of the highway and stick out my thumb to hitchike. We hitched rides all the way to Kamloops. Pat and Den were desperately trying to find me, finally they found that we were hiding in this pretty "shady" motel. IT was another scene of me screaming for my mother and her screaming. But as soon as I got into their car I fell asleep all the way to Hinton. When I woke up I instantly called them "mom and dad". I will refer to Pat and Den as mom and dad now.

Jane tried another kidnap attempt, but failed. However she visited Pat at her work place, who was pregnant again, this time with my sister Lindsay. Jane then proceeded to punch Pat in her pregnant belly. God divinely protected Lindsay and Pat from any harm.

My sister Lindsay was born, then three years later my brother Shawn. I lived in Hinton until I was 18.

I met my husband Derek when I was 12 years old. My parents just started attending the Church that Derek and his family attended as well. Our first romantic encounter was this: We both were in the Christmas play; he Joseph, me Gabrielle the Angel. We were back stage and he along with his friends were poking fun at me. I had always been tall and lanky for my age. But when you are a 12 year old boy, teasing was another from of flirting. But I didn't feel the same way. I picked him up by the scruff of the neck pushed him against the stucco wall and told him "to go to hell".. I was a little rough around the edges, back then. His family moved away to the Crownest Pass to plant a Church shortly after that. He came for a visit when we were both 14. Well it's amazing what the difference is from 12 years to 14 years of age. We were both infatuated with each other.We were able to still see each other over the next few years. Back then, we didn't have cell phones, internet, or fax so we did the old fashion thing and wrote letters to each other. I still have all his letters. I knew at the age of 15 that I was going to marry this guy, however it wasn't until 10 years later that we actually said "I do" to each other.

Derek and I were married on Sept 26, 1998. One of the best days of my life. Over the next 13 years we owned,operated and sold a business, had four boys, bought and sold two houses,then we both entered into the ministry full time.

In August 2010 we moved our family to Calgary. My husband started a business, but within one year we had to close it down. During 2011 we lost all our life savings. 2011 was probably one of the most difficult years of my life. Our world was rocked. Our faith was shaken, our marriage, our life. But God's word says that we are overcomers! Derek was able to get a new job in the beginning of 2012. Derek and I are not only still standing, but we are stronger than ever. After going through what we went through, makes you evaluate what is important in life. Simply, money can be replaced, however loved ones cannot.So I am thankful and grateful for what I do have; an amazing loving husband, four strong healthy boys. You can come out of the fire burnt or refined. I'm choosing to be refined. I can say through all this, a lot of impurities have come out of me. A lot of things had risen to the surface that were quite ugly.

Forgiveness is a choice. It's really that simple. Coming to that realization is not. I have chosen to forgive as to not keep the poison inside of me. "What Satan has meant for evil, God will turn to good for those who love Him". I am a free woman! I am free from unforgivenvess,bitterness,resentment, and depression. I wasn't always free, it took me awhile. I delved into His Word. When I did that I learned, and discovered who God was, therefore discovering who I was. I was so busy blaming everyone else for my problems, and issues, but God would always bring it back to me. I heard God say to me one day "You are not little miss perfect yourself." The depression that I was heavily under, God revealed to me was the fruit of my own judgement. "Mercy triumphs over judgement". I came to forgivness through my own repentance. It was at that moment that God gave me beauty for ashes.

I love sharing my story as it is one of hope, healing, and freedom! God is no judger of person. God turned my mess into my message. He can do the very same thing for you!!!

What is your worth?

This is my first blog for 2012! And with that I would like to DECLARE that I believe this to be a GREAT year! I believe this year to be a year of RESTORATION. Going through this very difficult time makes a person soul search. Well my soul truly has been searched and I have to say I'm surprised in what I have found. Through all this I come down to one question... Who am I?

Through this very, very difficult time in our lives I have begun to understand where and what I put my worth, security, and identity in. I put it in my “title, and position” in life, how much money I had in my bank account, and what others thought of me. All very healthy things, to invest my self worth in. NOT. I would not have not realized this unless God stripped me from everything. Instead of putting my worth and identity wholly in Him, I was becoming deceived, and blind by my own successes. There is nothing wrong with success, or prosperity, but when we start to get off the right path, and set our eyes on the wrong things, God will do the loving thing, and get you off of that path.

My husband and I are still trying to climb out of this pit, but the KEY movement here is UP and FORWARD!! We are starting to see and realize that through this devastation, it may have been the best thing that could have happened to us. As we are starting to have doors open for us, that would have not opened if it wasn`t for us to lose everything. God is moving my family to higher heights. But with any type of resistance it only builds strength. However you can`t build strength without some type of stretching occurring. Believe me we have been stretched!

I had put my worth in what people thought of me. I really don`t understand why it is easier to believe the lies, rather than believe truth. I have had to fight thoughts of what I have THOUGHT people would think of me. Most of those thoughts were not positive. I would start to BELIEVE these lies. I would discover that when I believed these lies, I would act them out. I would ACT what I thought people THOUGHT of me. So in group settings, such insecurities would arise in myself that it would nearly paralyze me. I literally would stutter out words, and I could not deliver through my mouth what my brain was trying to say. Because of the recent stress that we just endured, I started to believe another lie. I had a nervous breakdown. Let me explain. For several months I felt that I was living life through a fog. It literally was hard to think. What should have been easy decisions, were hard for me. I found my communications skills extremely weak. So I started to believe and actually self-diagnose myself as having a nervous breakdown. Now I shared this with my wonderful husband. He was gentle and trying to tell me NO. NO you have not had a nervous breakdown. I took this as him being in denial, or not taking me serious. Well finally God broke through all the deception (in a SMALL voice) `you are believing a lie`. That is when I said NO, I am NOT having a nervous breakdown.And it was instantaneous that the fog had cleared! I started to DARE to believe the positivity, which I found in the Living Word! I was living under such condemnation, and deception that it had fogged my mind. I went for a run one day, and felt God say to me `Tammy you need to get back to WHO YOU ARE! So I started to think who am I? I am someone that can “DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME.”  I started to get back to the basics to what I have felt God call ME to do, and forget what people think, or expect of me.

I put my self worth in my “Title”. Now I want to point out, that I never realized that I was putting my self worth into these things until they were stripped from me. Derek and I used to be pastors and business owners in Hinton. Since moving to Calgary, we are not pastors, and we are no longer business owners because we had to shut it down. So basically I started to believe another lie: “Failure”. Since moving to Calgary and losing every title that I used to have, I have never felt so lost in my adult life. I also, over the last three years lost 60 pounds. Well this past year I GAINED 30 of it back. So all of my accomplishments, financial, ministry, and physical success, all down the toilet! Yes I am a FAILURE!  All the people here in Calgary only know my husband and I as failures. This is what I started to believe. So guess what? I started to act out what I believed. This can be a constant, daily battle for me. But when I start to get attacked by these thoughts, I go to the Word of God and speak out the promises of God. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, not to harm you, but to prosper you and give you hope for your future.” This is by far my favourite verse!

I put my self worth into being a great mother. Aside from God, my family is very important, and valuable to me, as it should. But I believe that it started to become my self worth. Again when this recent crisis hit our family, the hardest thing for me was to remain a good mother… or so I thought. I was, and have put undo pressure on myself to be the best mother possible. This could be because of the way my birth mother had been with me. I have had to fight the thoughts of  “don`t be like your birth mother”. These thoughts would haunt me. Becoming a mother, for me has been one of the most natural things for me. But when my youngest son was about 8 months old, I literally woke up 60 pounds overweight, extremely tired, and wondering what has happened with my life. I was so busy wiping butts, and noses, making everyone meals, trying to keep a decently clean house, and pleasing everyone, that I lost myself. This is when I started my exercise journey, and lost 60 pounds. During this journey I began to feel more alive than ever. Because I was taking time for myself, I become a greater mother, and wife. This past year, however I lost interest in exercising, and started to resume old eating habits again, hence the 30 pound weight gain. I started to believe the lies again. “You have become a bad mother”. The stress in our household was very thick this past year. My children have felt it. As much as I tried to protect them from it, I am a human being, and my children have witnessed more tears from myself than I have wanted them to. My husband and I believe that strong communication is vital in a family. So when my children would ask me why I was crying (again), I would desperately ask for wisdom from God, and He would always give me the right thing to say at the right time. Now back up a few years. I have never been a very emotional person. My kids have seldom seen me cry. In fact my husband has seldom seen me cry BEFORE this year. So this was foreign to them. Of course there is a time and place for everything, and many times I have locked myself into the bathroom to cry in order to protect my kids. I would like to say that because of my vulnerability, and showing my kids my “human” side, my family is better for it. My husband tells me now that he likes “this Tammy”.

People who have not seen me for a while have said that there is a new calmness, and peace within me. The wall, and guard that I had had is melting. God has broken the old Tammy, and He is remoulding a new me. I like this new me. I heard a great quote “The only way the light can shine is through a cracked vessel”. Well I am definitely a cracked vessel! I am me, and my worth is ONLY because of the Grace of God. I am who I am because I am a child of God. My worth is what my Heavenly Father says it is. He paid a dear price for me, bought me by His blood. If He did that for me, I must be worth it! IF I am worth it, so are you. You are worth living a life full of God`s promises, living life abundantly. We are an HEIR of God, friends of God. Romans 8:12 “And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.” If we truly understood the kind of power that is in the verse, we would have amazingly powerful lives! I believe with every fiber in my body that the Word of God is truth, and if it says that we can live a powerful life as this verse tells us, we need to speak it, and walk in it!

I am not allowing my failures to define me but to shape me!