This is my first blog for 2012! And with that I would like to DECLARE that I believe this to be a GREAT year! I believe this year to be a year of RESTORATION. Going through this very difficult time makes a person soul search. Well my soul truly has been searched and I have to say I'm surprised in what I have found. Through all this I come down to one question... Who am I?
Through this very, very difficult time in our lives I have begun to understand where and what I put my worth, security, and identity in. I put it in my “title, and position” in life, how much money I had in my bank account, and what others thought of me. All very healthy things, to invest my self worth in. NOT. I would not have not realized this unless God stripped me from everything. Instead of putting my worth and identity wholly in Him, I was becoming deceived, and blind by my own successes. There is nothing wrong with success, or prosperity, but when we start to get off the right path, and set our eyes on the wrong things, God will do the loving thing, and get you off of that path.
My husband and I are still trying to climb out of this pit, but the KEY movement here is UP and FORWARD!! We are starting to see and realize that through this devastation, it may have been the best thing that could have happened to us. As we are starting to have doors open for us, that would have not opened if it wasn`t for us to lose everything. God is moving my family to higher heights. But with any type of resistance it only builds strength. However you can`t build strength without some type of stretching occurring. Believe me we have been stretched!
I had put my worth in what people thought of me. I really don`t understand why it is easier to believe the lies, rather than believe truth. I have had to fight thoughts of what I have THOUGHT people would think of me. Most of those thoughts were not positive. I would start to BELIEVE these lies. I would discover that when I believed these lies, I would act them out. I would ACT what I thought people THOUGHT of me. So in group settings, such insecurities would arise in myself that it would nearly paralyze me. I literally would stutter out words, and I could not deliver through my mouth what my brain was trying to say. Because of the recent stress that we just endured, I started to believe another lie. I had a nervous breakdown. Let me explain. For several months I felt that I was living life through a fog. It literally was hard to think. What should have been easy decisions, were hard for me. I found my communications skills extremely weak. So I started to believe and actually self-diagnose myself as having a nervous breakdown. Now I shared this with my wonderful husband. He was gentle and trying to tell me NO. NO you have not had a nervous breakdown. I took this as him being in denial, or not taking me serious. Well finally God broke through all the deception (in a SMALL voice) `you are believing a lie`. That is when I said NO, I am NOT having a nervous breakdown.And it was instantaneous that the fog had cleared! I started to DARE to believe the positivity, which I found in the Living Word! I was living under such condemnation, and deception that it had fogged my mind. I went for a run one day, and felt God say to me `Tammy you need to get back to WHO YOU ARE! So I started to think who am I? I am someone that can “DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME.” I started to get back to the basics to what I have felt God call ME to do, and forget what people think, or expect of me.
I put my self worth in my “Title”. Now I want to point out, that I never realized that I was putting my self worth into these things until they were stripped from me. Derek and I used to be pastors and business owners in Hinton. Since moving to Calgary, we are not pastors, and we are no longer business owners because we had to shut it down. So basically I started to believe another lie: “Failure”. Since moving to Calgary and losing every title that I used to have, I have never felt so lost in my adult life. I also, over the last three years lost 60 pounds. Well this past year I GAINED 30 of it back. So all of my accomplishments, financial, ministry, and physical success, all down the toilet! Yes I am a FAILURE! All the people here in Calgary only know my husband and I as failures. This is what I started to believe. So guess what? I started to act out what I believed. This can be a constant, daily battle for me. But when I start to get attacked by these thoughts, I go to the Word of God and speak out the promises of God. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, not to harm you, but to prosper you and give you hope for your future.” This is by far my favourite verse!
I put my self worth into being a great mother. Aside from God, my family is very important, and valuable to me, as it should. But I believe that it started to become my self worth. Again when this recent crisis hit our family, the hardest thing for me was to remain a good mother… or so I thought. I was, and have put undo pressure on myself to be the best mother possible. This could be because of the way my birth mother had been with me. I have had to fight the thoughts of “don`t be like your birth mother”. These thoughts would haunt me. Becoming a mother, for me has been one of the most natural things for me. But when my youngest son was about 8 months old, I literally woke up 60 pounds overweight, extremely tired, and wondering what has happened with my life. I was so busy wiping butts, and noses, making everyone meals, trying to keep a decently clean house, and pleasing everyone, that I lost myself. This is when I started my exercise journey, and lost 60 pounds. During this journey I began to feel more alive than ever. Because I was taking time for myself, I become a greater mother, and wife. This past year, however I lost interest in exercising, and started to resume old eating habits again, hence the 30 pound weight gain. I started to believe the lies again. “You have become a bad mother”. The stress in our household was very thick this past year. My children have felt it. As much as I tried to protect them from it, I am a human being, and my children have witnessed more tears from myself than I have wanted them to. My husband and I believe that strong communication is vital in a family. So when my children would ask me why I was crying (again), I would desperately ask for wisdom from God, and He would always give me the right thing to say at the right time. Now back up a few years. I have never been a very emotional person. My kids have seldom seen me cry. In fact my husband has seldom seen me cry BEFORE this year. So this was foreign to them. Of course there is a time and place for everything, and many times I have locked myself into the bathroom to cry in order to protect my kids. I would like to say that because of my vulnerability, and showing my kids my “human” side, my family is better for it. My husband tells me now that he likes “this Tammy”.
People who have not seen me for a while have said that there is a new calmness, and peace within me. The wall, and guard that I had had is melting. God has broken the old Tammy, and He is remoulding a new me. I like this new me. I heard a great quote “The only way the light can shine is through a cracked vessel”. Well I am definitely a cracked vessel! I am me, and my worth is ONLY because of the Grace of God. I am who I am because I am a child of God. My worth is what my Heavenly Father says it is. He paid a dear price for me, bought me by His blood. If He did that for me, I must be worth it! IF I am worth it, so are you. You are worth living a life full of God`s promises, living life abundantly. We are an HEIR of God, friends of God. Romans 8:12 “And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.” If we truly understood the kind of power that is in the verse, we would have amazingly powerful lives! I believe with every fiber in my body that the Word of God is truth, and if it says that we can live a powerful life as this verse tells us, we need to speak it, and walk in it!
I am not allowing my failures to define me but to shape me!
