I am a little uneasy to put "my talk" on my blog. This is my prepared speech that I will be speaking at Stonecroft women's events.
I'm uneasy because this is my raw, transparent story. I believe we all have purpose here on earth. That purpose is bigger than us. So that is what I need to focus on. With putting it all out there, I'm risking some of my greatest fears. But truth be told, God is the author of my story. Even though I'm hesitate, I'm willing to share this story in order to fully show off Jesus. This isn't about me. My hope is that the lights go dim on me, and that Jesus is fully and clearly seen.
1 Corinthians 1:27-29 "God selected what in the world is foolish to put the wise to shame, and what the world calls weak to put the strong to shame. And God selected what in the world is lowborn and insignificant and branded and treated with contempt, even the things that are nothing, that He might depose and bring to nothing the things that are. That no man should boast in the presence of God."
What’s YOUR name?
Unwanted,
abandoned, abused, neglected were the names that I believed about myself before
the age of five. You see I was born to a very broken, confused, and abused
woman when she was only 19. I was “rescued” from her care after family and
friends realized that I was knocking on doors for food, living in candle light
because of unpaid bills.
She would allow different men in and out of
our home, many of which beat her up. It was when she abandoned me for a few
days at the age of four, that an intervention was needed. Soon after that, I
was placed in a foster home, until I had family “rescue” me again before I got
lost within the system. And at the age of five I came to live with my Aunt (who
is my biological mother’s sister) and Uncle- Pat and Dennis- whom I call mom
and dad today.
She would
hitchhike eight hours to where I lived, kidnap me from school, then we would
hitch rides all the way back. Poor Dennis and Pat (who was pregnant at the
time) were in anguish as they desperately tried to find me. Miraculously they
did find me safe and unharmed, and took me back to their hometown.
Those were
just some of the examples of the living circumstances with my biological
mother.
“Insecure” became a very loud and prominent
name that would dominate over the voice of God, for many years to come.
My parents (aunt and uncle) became Christ
followers when I was about 11 years old. I was raised in a first generation Christian
home, which at that time was religious and legalistic. My perception was that God’s demand on me was
to do everything right, and follow the rules perfectly or else! This caused me
to hear the name “Rejected.” I believe this was partly because of my early
childhood experiences. I had formed a toxic filter within my brain which caused
me to hear that I was not good enough for God to love me.
At 11 years old I came home after a very
troubling visit with my bio mother, I vowed at that time, that I would NEVER
allow anyone to hurt me again. I hardened my heart. There was no way that I
would allow anyone’s love to penetrate through my well - guarded, crusted
heart. I didn’t know what unconditional love was, so I tried to be as perfect
as I could.
I made a pre meditated decision to lose my
virginity to my boyfriend at the age of 17. Not because my hormones were
raging, or we lost control. It was a deliberate act of giving up and rebellion.
After my parents found out they were devastated. And at that time they didn’t
know any better but to lay down the law. So at that time I heard the name:
“Shame” being whispered to me over and over again.
This caused
me to believe that no one of any worth would ever want to marry me. I believed that I was a defiled woman with a
scarlet letter imprinted directly on my forehead.
Between the
ages of 20 and 23 my life consisted of one club party after another. That is
what I lived for! Was to party!
My goal in
life was to have fun, get as drunk or as high as I could, and just let
loose. I developed a fear of being alone,
because when I was alone it was as if I heard God’s voice. I heard His CONVICTING not condemning voice. He said
“What are you doing” This isn’t you. This isn’t the plan I have for you.” I
didn’t want to hear His voice, so I would always ask someone to come to the
bathroom with me. I explained that when I’m alone and intoxicated I hear Gods
voice.
My friends would joke and say “I want the drugs Tammy is smoking!”
After living
life very hard for about 2.5 years, I realized my highs were not worth the lows.
One night, while at a friend’s place, I literally experienced a “melt-down” in
her bathroom. As I lay on the floor sobbing, the thought of killing myself
seemed like a good idea. At that time,
my heart was aching for something to fill the void in my life. That void could only be filled by Jesus. I needed that God-shaped piece of the puzzle
that only He can fill.
I gladly
soaked in His gentle voice as He graciously impressed upon me once
again. He gave me a picture of all the people in my life that love me, and how
hurt they would be if I took my own life. That’s when I felt his loving arms
firmly pick me up off the floor. I came out of that bathroom looking like I had
gone through WW3. So I made an excuse to my friend that my allergies were being
affected by her cats and awkwardly left her home. That’s when I made a decision
to run back to Jesus. I took a step out to reach for His hand of
forgiveness, and accepted His unconditional love for me. He was there with
waiting, loving arms. But the road ahead of me wasn’t easy. It has been one
roller coaster of a journey.
I had the
opportunity to meet and build a wonderful relationship with my biological
father 14 years ago. Getting to know him and his family has been such a
blessing in my life and my family’s.
I married my
wonderful husband when we were both 25. We will be celebrating our 15 year
Anniversary this year. My husband is not married to the same woman today as he
did that day. Because I am daily consciously removing my toxic filter in my
brain, I have a whole new perception of people, and life. God had His work cut
out for Him, as it took many years to take those “scales” off of my eyes. It
has taken many years, for me to fully understand and accept that God loves me
unconditionally. God has ALWAYS been there. He never leaves us not forsakes us.
But it had to be MY choice to want to know and understand the full character of
God. The great thing about God, is that I can never get enough of his goodness,
faithfulness.
While
driving with the kids one day, they had the movie "Kung Fu Panda" on in the back of the vehicle. The particular
scene that really spoke to me was one of the last scenes of the movie: When Po (The unlikely chosen Dragon Warrior)
was fighting Thai-Lung (The big bad guy). Thai-Lung says to Po "You can't
defeat me; you are just a big, fat, panda.” What Po said next is what stopped me
in my tracks: He said with fire in his eyes, "I'm not just a big fat
panda... I'm THE big fat panda". I felt God impress on me “when you are
being taunted with insecure fears or losing your confidence with thoughts like
“Who do you think you are, you are nothing but a…. (Fill in the blank) God said to me "Know this: that you are THE
TAMMY BELZILE.. Child and joint Heir of God.
He knew me before I was formed in my Mothers' womb... I am a Chosen generation, Royal Priest hood.
The same spirit that raised Christ from the Dead dwells in me, and I can DO ALL
things through Christ who strengthens me!!!!
This, my
friends is who I am. And this is who you are!
I am NOT my past, I am NOT the words that people have spoken against me, I am
NOT my mistakes, nor was I a mistake (When my bio mom found out she was
pregnant, her parents, and the doctor were influencing her to get an abortion.
They knew that she wasn’t capable of becoming a mother just yet.) I am who God tells
me I am. And I can only know that if and when I read The Bible. It says, "but no weapon that is used
against you will succeed. People might bring charges against you. But you will
prove that they are wrong. Those are the things I do for my servants. I make
everything right for them.”
My full name
is Tammy Irene. It means perfect peace. I know this because I looked up the
meaning of my name. I was very shocked when I read these words because if you
really know me, peace isn’t one of the words that would probably be used to
describe me, UNTIL lately. I just turned 40, and I have NEVER felt so young, and
confident, because I feel I FINALLY know who I am.. I’m a new creation in
Christ. The past is gone. I have been made new. A new thing is happening.
I still consider
myself new to Calgary. Our family moved to Calgary three years ago. Prior to
moving to Calgary, my husband and I were ministers in a church in Hinton
Alberta. Before becoming ministers, we owned a business for 10 years which we
sold in 2007. We made a great profit from the sale of the business; we also
owned the commercial building in which the business was operating in. While
still living in Hinton we decided to put our commercial building up for
collateral for a project that we believed in. To make a long story short, the
deal went sour. We lost our building, which had 100’s of thousands of dollars
of equity in it. When we moved here my husband started another business, but
because of the loss of our building, we were forced to shut down our business
here in Calgary. Somehow, by a miracle, we managed to cover our bills through
that period. If anyone has ever walked through the devastation of a huge
financial loss, will understand that it’s comparable to experiencing that of a
death. To deal with the stress of everything, I started to resort to bad eating
habits again, and stopped exercising. This resulted in gaining back the weight
that I worked so very hard to get rid of in the last three years. Prior to this
huge crisis, unknowingly, I had placed my worth in being successful, physically
fit, and a prominent person of influence in the community. These are not wrong
goals to achieve, however I was putting my WORTH and IDENTITY in these things. I
was allowing these names to DEFINE who I was. I’m not sure if you are like me, but I tend to
learn things the hard way. Well I have had to take the LONG way around and come
full circle to finally understand that NOTHING or NO ONE can define me. I need
only to trust in God and BELIEVE what He says about his children. I can know
that, through His Word. The more I read, and want to learn about Him, I come to
fully grasp and understand who I am. That’s when I can silence the other
“names”, and only hear what He says about me. He calls me His daughter. He
calls YOU his daughters.
Through this
very difficult time in our lives I had begun to understand where and what I put
my worth, security, and identity in. I put it in my “title, and position” and
how much money I had in my bank account, and what others thought of me. Not a
healthy way of thinking. I would not have realized this, if my life had not
been turned upside down. Instead of putting my worth and identity wholly
in, being a child of God, I was deceived, and blinded by my own successes.
There is nothing wrong with success, or prosperity, but when we start to get
off the right path, and set our eyes on the wrong things, God will do the
loving thing, and help you to get off that path.
Not only
have we had to start all over again, but God has torn down the old foundation,
and He is rebuilding a brand new foundation for our life. Being torn down,
broken, and re-moulded is NOT fun. However being pieced back together and
rebuilt brick by brick with brand new and STRONGER materials is worth it! With
God's correction, restoration and forgiveness, as the mortar to make the bricks
stick together makes for an awesome CRACKED POT.
My husband
has many great qualities, one of them in particular is how he views the
potential in everyone and everything.
I want to
tell you a story of a pumpkin seedling. Our youngest son Hudson came home one
day from Kindergarten with a pumpkin seedling in a Styrofoam cup. My husband loves a challenge. Hudson’s pumpkin
seed, inspired Derek to take on the challenge to actually grow a pumpkin out of
it, despite the very fact that it's winter, in Calgary. In Derek’s determination we are going to get
pumpkins out of that seedling no matter what!!!
So the seedling actually grew into two vines, so it had to be transplanted into
a bigger pot. Derek faithfully watered it every day, and actually blew on it to
give it Co2... not even joking. Well it started to grow two stems; it got to be
so high that he put a steel pole in the pot to support the stems. Shortly after
that, somehow some leaves and a stem died, or broke somehow. One day I looked
at this poor thing and I noticed that most of the leaves were gone, and one
stem had died. I looked tenderly at my husband and said "I'm sorry but I
think it's time to call it.. The time of death". The next thing that Derek
showed me is what inspired me to tell you this story: With excitement like a
little child he exclaimed "Nope LOOK there are two leaves still there..
barely, but they are budding!” I couldn't believe it, he was right, I had to
squint, and take the magnifying class, but incredulously the budding leaves
were there. Well my head started to fill with this analogy. This is exactly how
God looks at us. We may see a withered, tired, and even dead dream or desire,
but God sees what we cannot see most times...LIFE, POTENTIAL, NEW BEGINNINGS.
Our family is walking in a season of rebuilding. In the Bible it says "And
I'm convinced and sure of this very thing, that He who began a good work in
you, will continue until the day of Jesus Christ, developing that good work and
perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you.
My question
to you is: What seed has God planted in your heart? What have you done to
water, feed or nurture that seed? Has
the dream died and need to be resurrected again? I serve a God that raises the
dead! The same Spirit that raised Christ
from the dead lives in you! I love to watch people walk into their freedom.
Sometimes we are the ones that are blocking our own dreams from happening. We
start to allow the fear, and doubt, and the shame to cloud our VISION. I need
to constantly challenge myself to see the VISION that God instilled in me, and
continue to walk FORWARD to make that happen. I encourage you not see the
withering plant, the broken down building, or the barren field, but instead
look closer and see the little buds that are still ALIVE!!
Do you want
a new name? Are you believing the lies that have been spoken to you, over you?
Jesus can stop these words from haunting you. You don’t have to live that way.
God wants to give you NEW names. Whole,
Renewed, Restored, Healed. He wants to give us His Beauty for our ashes. The
Bible gives a beautiful allegory of His sacrifice for us. It paints a picture
of us giving Him our filthy rags, and in return He clothes us with beautiful
robes. This represents what He did on the cross for us. He died on the Cross
for our sins. He laid down his life, so that we can have eternal life. Jesus
was the ultimate sacrifice. He paid the price for our sins. He wants us to see
ourselves how He sees us: Beautiful, Radiant.
He wants us to live how He created us. The most beautiful thing He gave
humanity, is a free will, a choice. When we ask Him to come into our lives and
choose Him the Bible promises us Eternal life. We are only here for a short
time on earth. It’s where we live eternally that matters.
I challenge,
and encourage you my friend to fully, and truly know who you are... because
when you do, you will become an undefeated, unstoppable, unshakable effective
person. When we walk into and start to believe God's truth about us, nothing
can stop us. If God is for you, who can be against you? With walking in God's
confidence we can speak life into our own lives as well as others. When we
start to live the life that God fully intended for us, and created us to do, in
evidently this starts to change YOUR world, which creates a ripple effect to
start changing the culture of this hopeless world. Tell someone what He has
done to change your life, and not only speak it to someone... LIVE IT!!!
